The V-Spot: Are We Screwed if We Stop Screwing?
Dear Yana,
My partner and I have been dating since October and from the beginning have had really intense sexual energy for each other (like every day, sometimes multiple times). But in the last week or two it’s sort of died out for a number of reasons.
I can’t help but feel unattractive to my partner when I’m ready to go and he’s not. But, at the same time, I never ever want to guilt or manipulate him into having sex. Further, as a woman, I feel like I’ve been brainwashed into thinking that no sex = the sign of a failing relationship.
What’s a girl to do??
—Rolling in the Heyday
Dear Heyday,
At the start of a relationship, it’s quite common to be in the thick of limerence — that short burst of time between a crush and a relationship where you and your new sweetie just can’t get enough of each other. You find yourself dropping plans, letting deadlines drift downstream, and bodily fatigue be damned — sticking it in as many times a day you can fit it in.
Not only do you get along but you get along great and oh my godddd we have so much in common and hmm I wonder what our babies would look like (helloooo probably super duper cute, right?!).
This New Relationship Energy acts much like a drug in your system because, well, it kind of is. This phase is fueled by our brain releasing neurochemicals including those that are released when we’re high such as dopamine, phenylethylamine (a natural amphetamine), estrogen and testosterone. This naturally occurring chemical cocktail is TASTY and produces the euphoria of new physical, sexual, and emotional attraction.
All limerence phases fade in all relationships and honestly, it’s a good thing they do because none of us would be able to sustain that relational pace and also keep our jobs, friendships, and y’know, maybe more than four hours of sleep a night. You’re right that the common cultural tale is that once “the spark is gone,” we’re screwed (well, or, really not screwed).
But as a couples therapist I can tell you — all relationships move through predictable cycles including:
(1) the limerence phase of “Look at how much sex we have and how much we get along! Isn’t my new partner The Best??” through the next phase of
(2) “Oh, wait, we are actually different than each other? And we have to try at our sex life now? What do you mean the sun isn’t always shining down on the kingdom of our Unique Connection??” and then…continue reading…
