My boyfriend and I are quarantined together and it’s my first time living with an actual long term partner. When we lived apart and saw each other less, sex was more frequent and easier for us. I’m almost 10 years younger than him and I think I have a lot more sexual desire than him in general. 

We haven’t been having sex, like, at all and masturbating is starting to feel lonely and sad with him in the same house. I’ve tried bringing it up a few times but he pretty much shuts down and takes it like I’m trying to make him feel bad for not being able to satisfy me. I think I do a pretty good job of communicating without being accusatory and holding space for his feelings but he usually tries to get out of the conversation entirely by being dismissive and saying that he’s just “like this.” 

He has some difficulties with body image and depression and those are the things he often cites as reasons for being uninterested in sex but he’s not interested in working on a solution with me either. I am also aware of the fact that his most recent ex whom he was with for several years ended things with him by cheating on him and then comparing his sexual performance to the person she was cheating on him with which, is awful and traumatizing and makes this subject even more sensitive. 

I want to figure out how to help us both feel good. I’m not sure how to continue to approach this with him without it feeling like I’m pressuring him into having sex with me. I guess I also feel like asking for what I want is hard and I tend to back down because of my history with trauma and how I feel like asking for sex is inherently violating but I’m trying really hard to get past that! There’s baggage on both sides. 

I’m really crazy about him and so attracted to him and I don’t know what else to do or say to help him feel confident about our sex life. Everything feels so high stakes and I want us both to relax about it. How do I take the pressure off?