I’ve loved your column for years and finally have a question I’d like to ask. 

I’m a cis man in a very happy, committed relationship. About a year ago, I asked my partner if she’d be open to using a vibrator together. After a little discussion and a bit of a learning curve for me, we happily purchased one that she thought would be good for her (and then another and another). It’s been really fun. I loooooove using it on her, I love when she uses it on herself, and when she uses it alone. It’s super sexy to me. 

Now, the weird part: although we bought the toys together, and we use them together, I hesitate to call them “our toys.” I get immense pleasure using them with her, but they’re never used on me and I’m a little jealous. We’ve tried a few times when I ask, but she just hands it to me for a few seconds and then takes it back or takes my hand and places back on her. 

I finally asked if she’d be open to me purchasing a toy that would be more for me. I invited her to look with me as we’ve done before purchasing all of the other toys. I told her I was beyond satisfied with the ways we are intimate with each other, but I wanted to join in with my own toy sometimes. Because we’re not secretive with our self pleasure, I also let her know I’d want to use it alone sometimes.

Anyway, SHE GOT SO ANGRY!

She told me that she didn’t understand why I wanted one and that she thought I was “doing it for her” (I still don’t know what that means). I didn’t push the issue because being in quarantine is stressful enough, but I did tell her that I’d like to continue the conversation when she’s ready. She refuses to talk about it. 

I’m not looking for a sex doll or giant Fleshlight, but I would like to be able to have a toy for myself and would absolutely love it if she would be half as excited about my pleasure (both solo and together) as I am about hers. I imagined us both enjoying toys together but now I feel like maybe I was asking for too much?