The V-Spot: I Blame Myself for My Partner's Low Libido
Hi Yana,
I’m a long time reader and I’ve been following you on the socials forevah. You’re a dope human and I need some dope human advice.
My boyfriend is 9 years older than me and is on several antidepressants that inhibit his libido. I myself am a younger woman in my sexual prime. I love sex, I love cuddling, and I’m a very tactile person. It’s how I feel safe and secure in my romantic relationships. He knows this.
When we first started dating we had sex at every opportunity. And the kicker is — homeboy knows how to SMASH. He gets me excited in a way that no one else has done. It’s like heroin for my vagina. Over time things just dwindled. I’m lucky if we have sex once a month and it’s *killing* me. I try to initiate and it’s like I’m hitting a brick wall of “hell no”.
I love him, but holy shit this is taking a hit to my self esteem. I know it’s the meds/his age, but I find myself wondering if he’s bored, or if I just don’t turn him on. Logically I know that isn’t it, but I just keep blaming myself.
I’ve been looking at books, articles, even Reddit threads about what to do and I’m still at a loss.
How do I make this work? Is there some way I can rewire my brain to NOT turn the blame on myself? What advice do you have for people with an age gap/libido mismatch?
— Minding the Gap
Dear Minding,
It is very natural and should be expected that most couples will experience an initial spike in sexual attraction and action when the first get together, an eventual dip when the oxytocin and dopamine regulate (why yes, sex with a new partner actually does have chemical overlap with drugs like heroin!), followed by ebbs and flows as life moves along with its changes, stressors, joys, and conflicts.
Actually, questions about mixed desire couples (where one has a significantly higher desire for sex than the other) pop up in my inbox so often, there are a variety of pieces of advice I’ve offered about this dilemma here, here, here, and here and others that you can find by searching keyword “desire” on my website yanatallonhicks.com.
Beyond these previously written columns, my dope human advice for you is this: take this time of limited sexual connection in your relationship to do some self-exploration about the seemingly strong link between your self esteem and your relationships’ sexual frequency. You say yourself that sex and tactile affection are how you “feel safe and secure in my romantic relationships” and that when your advances are rejected it feels as if you’re hitting a brick wall, like it’s killing you, and that you automatically blame yourself (strong word choices!).
Patterns such as these are also very common and can be a result of…continue reading…
