If misery loves company, jealousy loves a full-on dinner party full of miserable commiserators to feel terrible with. The thing with jealousy is that it’s one of those unique emotions that can be hard to put your finger on. When I feel jealous, I’m often like okay waiiiittttt — am I mad? Hormonal? Lonely? Sad? Hungry? Tired? Undersexed? Do I just need to buy a new cute outfit? Like what is happening to my emotional landscape???

Jealousy is an emotion rooted in a lot of other emotions such as fear, dissatisfaction, and envy. It can be tough to figure it out, which I think can cause an extra layer of distress for folks steeping in this green-eyed gooey mess.

Jealousy also carries an extra ick factor because it’s often finished off with a shiny coat of social shame and anxiety. We’re often told that if we feel jealous, we’re doing or feeling something wrong or should “just be more confident and secure” which, often isn’t very helpful when trapped in the throes of feeling it. Similarly, the phrase “You’re just jealous” is often used against people to dismiss the more vulnerable feelings lurking underneath and, contrastingly, touting “I’m just not a jealous person” is often a braggy source of pride.

Basically, jealousy comes with a whole lot of baggage. And it sounds like your partner — rather than being able to say “Hey, the baggage I carry around you having intercourse with other people is heavy and I’m not even entirely sure what’s packed into these suckers. Can you help me out?” — got angry at your personal lack of heavy baggage around this topic.

There’s absolutely nothing bad, wrong, or heartless about your personal lack of jealous feelings. Jealousy is frequently (though incorrectly) taken as a sign that our partners must really, truly like us because they’re so afraid of losing us that they are jealous of any and all perceived threats to our relationship!

However, jealousy is usually an emotion that’s triggered by someone else’s actions or experiences — not caused by them…continue reading…