There are many great perks to waiting to have sex until you’re older than the national average (the “age of first intercourse” in the U.S. according to the CDC circa 2017, is 17.2 for women and 16.8 for men) but perhaps most importantly, having more time to get to know yourself can be really helpful in creating positive first-time experiences with sex.

“Virginity” itself is traditionally narrowly defined as someone’s first time having penis-in-vagina penetration, which just doesn’t encompass everyone’s experience of or desired version of sex. There’s been a shift away from defining “virginity” in this way and towards the concept of a “sexual debut,” which is more inclusive and looks at sex as defined by the people having it (fingers! mouths! toys! an orgasm! whatever!) and includes a self-determined timeline that allows people to decide when their “first” time doing XYZ is/was (this is especially important for survivors of assault).

I hear your fears about others’ expectations, intimacy, and rejection. These are all very common feelings to have whether you’ve had sex zero or a zillion times! The truth is that all of us have specific desires, experiences, and limits when it comes to introducing other people to having sex with us. This will be true for you as a virgin, for you after you no longer consider yourself a virgin, and also true for whoever your sexual partner/s may be now or in the future (regardless of their sexual experience).

For some, the loss of their virginity is everything — a huge deal! For others, it might just be a pesky first to get out of the way, or maybe just something somewhere in the middle like learning a new skill or traveling by plane for the first time. Ultimately, the bigness of the virginity-losing woop is in the eye of the beholder. You get to decide.

I can’t emphasize this point enough: you get to decide!

In my time as a sex columnist and therapist, there are a few things I’ve observed that make for pleasurable and happy sexual experiences…continue reading…