I love this question and I love your self-reflection contained within it — especially the bits about how you feel safer in performing climax for your partners than risk disappointing them. This is a great place to start. As a self-proclaimed “giver” it might be helpful for you to reframe giving your partners active feedback, directions, and an honest report about your experience as “giving” in itself. When I teach consent workshops, I like to talk to students about how asking ongoing, consensual questions not only works in favor of protecting your partners’ boundaries and wishes, but it also creates a positive feedback loop for you as the “giver” or “initiator” in the sexual interaction. After all, isn’t it a billion times better to be doing sexual things with someone that they actually, genuinely enjoy rather than just continuing to try the same old tricks over and over again, assuming that one-size fits all when it simply just does not?

Giving your partners access to the honest information that can help you both experience a genuinely satisfying sexual experience is a gift and certainly requires bravery, self-awareness, and of course, the self-confidence to disappoint a lover and emotionally survive watching their ego get bruised a little bit. In an ideal world, we would all only have sexual partners that have excellently balanced sexual egos, who can effortlessly separate your feedback from their sexual self-worth. But this (understandably) isn’t always the case, and many of us experience less-than-desirable feedback as something personal, absolute, and defining.

It sounds like you might also fall into this…continue reading…