The V-Spot: Help! I Resent My Metamour!
Dear Yana,
I’ve been in a non-monogamous relationship for over three years. Last year, one of my partners and I broke up in dramatic fashion. I partially blame my primary partner for this, because although he said he was okay being in a non-monogamous relationship, he refused to acknowledge or meet my other partner for the entire year we dated.
Now, my primary partner has a new partner who he’s growing close to. I’m trying to be encouraging of the relationship — I’ve even met my metamour [a term referring to your partner’s partner] and I’m trying to be chill about scheduling mix-ups, my metamour’s integration into my partner’s friend group, weekend trips, etc.
But I can’t stop myself from just really, really resenting my primary partner. The closer he gets to my metamour, the more detached from the relationship I feel. My primary partner has been super loving to me through this, and it feels really nice to receive that care, but I just feel entirely resentful of my metamour and the relative ease with which he’s entered our lives, and this resentment is really damaging my relationship.
What’s going on?! How do I preserve my connection with my partner without sabotaging his other relationships?
— I Can't Take It Metamour
Dear Can't Take It,
Pretty much no matter how you slice ‘em, non-monogamous relationships are flippin’ hard work. That you’re able to maintain your commitment to your values as an accommodating partner within a non-monogamous structure is admirable, especially since you’re also simultaneously in the throes of growing resentments.
Two things here are true that are also hard to swallow: 1. When it comes to all relationships, and especially in non-monogamous relationships, equality doesn’t necessarily result in “fairness” and 2. Being “chill” will only take you so far before inner emotional realties heat up and boil over.
First, when it comes to non-monogamy, one set of expectations or agreements doesn’t fit all. For example, if my desire in an open relationship is to have spontaneous one-night stands with beautiful strangers, but my partner’s sexual style is based on ongoing romantic connection, to make our universal rule “One-night stands only!” really only suits one of us. To try to make agreements fit across the board for all partners easily results in struggle, imbalance, and resentment.
If your beliefs around non-monogamy, Can’t Take It, include welcoming all metamours into the fold with open (well, at least friendly) arms, that’s wonderful (and honestly, will likely make things easier). But if your partner isn’t prepared to meet your other partners, that’s not something you can force.
Can you have disappointed feelings about that? Of course. Can you request that your partner address his deeper feelings that are creating such a strong, year-long barrier between him and your other (former) partner? You sure can. But this doesn’t mean these requests will be met right away, easily, or without some effort from you…continue reading…
