The V-Spot: My BF’s Been Sexting Other Women
Hi Yana,
I was recently informed by someone that my boyfriend has been sexually texting another girl for several months, as well as had an active profile on dating site Plenty of Fish. When confronted, it took a few days but he did admit the truth to me. I am devastated and hurt; we have a very loving relationship and have built a very wonderful life together.
When he was explaining everything to me, he broke down and told me how he has been feeling a lot of self hate for a long time. His job has not been going well at all and we had been fighting a lot as well. He said he felt he was not succeeding in any aspects of his life, and has been extremely depressed.
He expressed to me that having flirtatious and often sexual conversations with these other women gave him a few moments of happiness or at least feeling desired in some corner of his life. (There was never any physical contact made with these women, not sure if that even makes a difference). He said it was less about the sexual aspect and more about feeling like he was wanted.
I want to try and work through this and improve our life together. He has expressed how sorry he is and how he wants help, and wants to become better. He has also expressed that he still loves me very deeply. Is it possible for couples to overcome something like this? I truly believe we both want to. I don’t want to give up on something wonderful because he faltered, but I don’t want to set myself up for a guaranteed heartbreak.
Can people heal from this? Can relationships still work after this? What steps do we take? He is open to couples therapy. I love him very deeply.
Sincerely, Gone Fishing for the Fix
Dear Gone Fishing,
It probably feels as though your relationship has just exploded. But actually, you and your boyfriend are off to a pretty good start. He’s come clean (as far as we know, about everything) and you’re already reframing his online affair as more about him than about you. Good work!
“Celebrity therapist” Esther Perel (author of the new book The State of Affairs) has built a career around her insightful take on infidelity which, shakes about a third of relationships in the U.S. In Perel’s vision, infidelity (whether in-person or online, physically or just romantically intimate) is an indicator of the cheating partner’s process of seeking change within themselves rather than a reaction to their dissatisfaction with their partner.
This means that you’re wise to focus on the question: “What did the online infidelity do to combat my partner’s low self esteem?” rather than turning inwards with “What did I do wrong!?”…
