Dear Yana,

Lately I’ve been in what I can best describe as a situationship; I want more and know that I have a lot to offer, but he semi-recently got out of a relationship in which his ex hurt him and he’s now scared and doesn’t want anything like that. We used to talk/text all the time. He would come over to my place at least once a week, we would sleep together, and it was pretty much a relationship without the title.

But recently he got a job in a neighboring state, and we both agreed that we would like to continue whatever it is that we have. I also made it very clear that I would be more than willing to drive the 1.5 hours to him. I enjoy his company, and I understand that his unusual work schedule is not the best for relationships, so I would be willing to drive if that meant seeing him and not even having sex.

However, ever since he moved I haven’t heard a word from him. No call, no text, nothing. And I don’t know if I should give him some time to get settled and everything, or if I should take it as a sign that he ghosted me and move on?

Yours truly,

Ghost Girl

Dear Ghost Girl,

Love this pseudonym that you’ve chosen for yourself because you’re absolutely getting ghosted. This begs the question — what compels so many of us to hang in there even when alllll the signs are there that our partner is no longer invested?

It’s very kind of you that you’re benevolently willing to do all of the driving, adjust to fit his work schedule, extend empathy for his past pain with his ex, and lower your sexual expectations of him. And also, what has convinced you that you’re not worth at least a slight reciprocation of this effort?

One of my favorite “celebrity” relationship therapists is Esther Perel. She’s famous for her work with couples and infidelity meaning, she knows a thing or two about the hard work of break-ups. In a recent article titled Relationship Accountability, she details four break-up styles: Ghosting, Icing, Simmering, and Power Parting which, are on a scale in order of least direct/brave to most direct/brave.

Ghosting, as you’re experiencing now, is a vague-yet-transparent drop-off-the-face technique while Power Parting grabs a break-up by the balls and says “This relationship has been great for XYZ reasons, but now it’s time to end it.”

The most interesting part of Perel’s commentary about break-up styles is her reflections on what our break-up style says about us…continue reading…