Hi Yana!

I’ve been with my partner for a year. He’s in his mid-30s and has some chronic back pain from a sports accident that happened a few years ago and he still takes pain meds for.

Our sex life is nonexistent right now. We agree we both want more sex and that his back issues get in the way because for him, it’s hard to get the motivation to initiate sex. I’m generally a pretty sexual person, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to EVER put a move on him. And now I feel SO in my head about it all it’s even harder. I’m attracted to him and I love him but I feel like sometimes it’s easier to just not have sex.

He’s expressed that with his back pain and his lack of ability to give me what I need sexually that it makes him feel less than a man. I want him to be the type of man that can … I don’t know how to put this in this day without people getting offended … but basically I want to be taken. And he just isn’t really that way, unless he drinks and allows himself to just go for it.

How do we motivate ourselves to have sex and is it just awful that we have to motivate ourselves when we are just in our early 30s? Him and I going to get married but shit, in some of my old relationships the sex was soooooo much better. Anyway … help?

My Neck, His Back (Pain)

Dear My Neck,

Sounds like a classic case of ye old tires-spinning-in-the-mud-sex-stalemate. No, it’s not awful that you’re feeling this way in your early 30s. All sexual relationships go through at least some kind of cycle where the beginning is a passionate pit of romance, sex, and the sweet sound of deadlines whizzing past unmet as you ride your shared oxytocin high into the glorious sex-fueled sunset. At some point, reality sets in. Chemically speaking and also it just has to. Otherwise y’all would actually never get any adulting done ever again.

At some point, all long-term sexual relationships require some maintenance. This is completely natural and the sooner you normalize this, the better equipped you’ll be to tend to your sex life proactively and productively.

You’ve both got some desire brakes to deal with. Chronic back pain is no joke and meds can certainly mess with erections, sex drives, and sexual confidence. For you, feeling doubts in your boyfriend’s ability to sexually satisfy you (some of which might be reality and some of which might be speculation or fear) is a big brake, too.

First thing: put it on the table. Neither of you can tackle this in a vacuum cut off from the other…continue reading…