post

The V-Spot: I Get Ghosted After One Night

Hi Yana,

I’ve had an above-average number of sexual partners (70+) and at least half have been one night stands. The pattern is: I start talking to someone on OKCupid, we arrange for a date, we have a few drinks, have sex.

Sometimes, it’s more mutual, and neither of us wants to see the other again. More often, I’ve enjoyed the sex (and they have too) but are not interested in meeting up again. Among those are situations where I’m interested in something casual but continuous. A few of them, I actually like a lot and am interested in something more than casual. However, overwhelmingly it seems that first date sex means no more dates. And I’m ghosted/soft rejected (“I had a fun time”).

There have been other situations where I’ve been sexual with someone on the second or third date, and it’s also happened. And that’s partly my dilemma. I tend to date a lot of women who identify as sex-positive, and though I don’t believe in a timetable for sex, it seems to happen sooner than later. And I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with that but I’m a bit tired of one night stands, despite my love of sex.

My hunch is that the fault lies with both parties in failure to communicate. Perhaps either one of us should take a moment before sexual activity to briefly discuss STIs and expectations. I have had only two such conversations in my life, both initiated by women. If I know it’s likely a one night stand, the interaction resolves better.

Still, why do you think first date sex seems to kill long-term potential for me? What do you think I can do to adjust my behavior for a different result? I feel it’s more complicated than simply delaying sexual gratitude.

—One and Done

 

Dear One and Done,

I think it’s great that you end your reflections about this pattern with wondering how you can adjust your own behavior for different results. A great way to wait a long time for change is to wait for other people to change while we kick back and stay the same. And this is especially true when it comes to sex and relationships.

I think initiating an up front conversation about sexual health and expectations for the interaction is a great idea. It sounds like having mistakenly high expectations for the date distresses you the most and adjusting them might make a big impact. Think of how much confusion you could clear up by simply asking someone if they’re interested in having sex or not, if they’re open to something other than a one-night stand, or if they want to be just friends, etc. Sure, it’s not “slick” but it certainly helps keep expectations and your date’s boundaries clear and intact.

Online dating apps like OKCupid make it a little easier to have these chats up front and could even be included somewhere in your profile that you’d like to talk expectations before you go on a date.

Of course, we can’t plan and account for everything before it happens…continue reading…

post

Should I Date Someone I’m Not Attracted To?

Dear Yana,

I met a girl on a dating app. It was sort of an accidental swipe, but we started chatting and met up. She was really cool to hang out with, but physically, I didn’t find her very attractive. We kept talking and started spending time together.

Now it has been a couple of months, and I’m having some reservations. Even though we really enjoy spending time together, I’m just not attracted to her physically, and it is starting to take a toll. She’s getting more attached, but this is becoming more of a mental block for me. I feel like Shallow Hal, and if it wasn’t for the lack of physical attraction, things would be great.

How do I get over this? Am I just being shallow?

— Getting Too Deep in the Shallow End

Dear Too Deep,

For most people, attraction is an instant, uncontrollable urge that tends to be physically motivated. Emotional attachment and intimacy, however, is usually a slower burn. If your initial attraction sticks as you get to the know the person, it can fan those emotional attachment flames, or perhaps your automatic attraction will fizzle and fade over time.

Or maybe you’re like so many of us in the Happy Valley, and you sleep with a lot of your friends, as friendship ripens to sexual attraction — the kind of attraction that creeps up ivy-style between you and your bros when you least expect it (even though, let’s be real, everyone else around you totally expected it).

Let me get to the point: It’s okay not to be attracted to someone. And it’s okay to feel attracted to a person initially and have that desire grow or fade over time.

But there is something inside of you that’s not sitting right, Too Deep, a little piece of you that feels like maybe you’re being an asshole. I’m guessing that this woman you speak of does not nestle neatly into the box labeled “beautiful” by conventional standards?

Are you an asshole if you dump this girl? I’m not sure if that’s for me to decide. But I can tell you how I make sure that I’m not being an asshole…continue reading…

post

Seeking DTF on the WWW

I’m seeking out dating websites that have individuals who are thoughtful and open to trying or having more casual sex, but also respect boundaries in sexual exploration. I don’t trust Craigslist, and I’m not really into OKCupid or Tinder.

I would love some guidance as to finding nice people who are, to use a term that was in a recent article of yours, DTF (Down to Fuck), but have that FFR (Feelings For Real) deal going on as well, and who believe in the importance of communication.

Since writing the column you refer to “Can I Be DTF and Still Respect Myself?” (Dec. 10, 2015) I’ve been thinking about this Tinderiffic tightrope millennials teeter on between casual sex for sex’s sake and the acknowledgement of feelings.

In “Can I Be DTF?” I encouraged the question-writer to continue to take pride in her pleasure-positive sex life while eschewing the idea that one must be void of all feelings in order to truly be DTF. In the end, I concluded that one can be both DTF and experience (and express!) FFR (Feelings for Real) simultaneously, but I continue to wonder how this can be incorporated into “Slutever Forever” sexual culture.

I’ve found one thing to be true of all sexual interactions: everything exists on a spectrum. Even in the case of DTF versus FFR. Does casual sex need to be no-strings attached? Can there be like one or two strings? Can our strings exist on a spectrum, too?…continue reading…