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How Do I Make My Orgasms Come Back?

Dear Yana,

I’m a single woman in my late twenties, with no relationships on the horizon. But that’s OK, because I have a super intense, cordless Hitachi that I’m in love with.

Problem is, recently, whenever I have attempted to reach orgasm, it never comes. I get the brink, right before the fall, but I’m just stuck. This has happened with lovers in the past; one even suggested it was a problem with not being able to “let go.”

Perhaps I am not relaxing enough when I masturbate. What are some tips, tricks, or techniques to have that incredible, solo experience?

— Absent Orgasms

Dear Absent,

I’m laughing a little at your partner’s (I’m sure well-meaning) suggestion to “let go” seeing as that is technically what an orgasm is, after all — a build-up followed by a release. It’s almost like your partner was like “Honey, have you tried just having an orgasm?”

I kid, but really, please let this sex columnist and educator tell you that nobody (not even your partner, not even me) can tell you the key to finding and experiencing your own sexual satisfaction. But, I can give you some suggestions to try out!

From your question, it sounds like you’ve been able to orgasm in the past and it’s only recently that the Os have hit the skids. This can be for a variety of reasons — new medications (especially antidepressants), new stress levels, new major life events, etc. Emily Nagoski’s free desire brakes/gas pedal worksheets (thedirtynormal.com) can help assess environmental, relational, and personal factors that may be impacting your current experiences of desire and pleasure.

In my opinion, with the rumbly, reliable, powerful Hitachi, you’re armed with the perfect tool for the titillating task at hand. But I find myself wondering how many laps you’re taking around the brink before attempting to push yourself over the orgasmic edge. Meaning, do you turn the Hitachi on high, make clitoral contact, and then smash the gas pedal straight to the finish line? Or do you take time with yourself to build up anticipation? Experiment with bringing yourself close to the tipping point of orgasm and then backing off on sensation…continue reading…

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The V-Spot: The Fast and the Curious

Hi Yana,

Sometimes, when I’m in the mood to masturbate, I enjoy watching porn. The problem is when I do, it literally takes me no time to orgasm. Yesterday, I was feeling in the mood to enjoy myself. So, I started browsing some videos.

I barely started touching myself and felt the urge to orgasm in a matter of seconds. I stopped and tried to calm myself down, but it was too late. My body responded even without the stimulation

I’m a female in a heterosexual relationship. I don’t experience the crazy quick orgasm when we are intimate. Usually, there is an enjoyable build up to it. When I have this experience solo, it’s when I watch lesbian/solo female videos (which, I’ve always enjoyed).

So this raises a couple of questions:

Do you know why this might happen? Is it something in my brain chemistry due to the visual stimuli, that sets me off so quickly?

Is there a way to “fix” it? Sometimes, I really just want to experience and enjoy my body. Part of me feels like there is something wrong with me when it happens, and the other part of me hates the fact that I can’t enjoy the build up to the big O.

Sometimes I feel like this isn’t a “normal” occurrence. In your experience, have you ever helped or chatted with another female who experienced this?

— Quickie-on-the-Draw

Sex educator Barbara Carrellas can orgasm just from breathing. No touching. No porn. Just her, her breath, and her brain (watch her do it on barbaracarrellas.com). People get off from the feeling of fishnets, from the thought of their sweetie doin’ it with the milkman, from watching manicures smash into globs of silly putty (thanks, internet!). The erotic world is diverse. Weird. Kinky. Boring, even. It’s an amazing conglomerate of getting off how and where we can with whoever pushes our buttons and likes doing it (remember, always keep it consensual!).

The most normal thing about you, Quickie, is your underlying fear that your eroticism isn’t normal. If this fear weren’t so pervasive, I’d be out of a job (and happy for it!). But here we are — constantly worrying that the pre-packaged version of sexuality (hasn’t it expired yet?) should suit us just fine and if not then we’re to blame for being broken, perverted, or unfixable.

You know what kind of porn you like (and yes, it’s normal for folks to watch porn that doesn’t “match up” with their real life). You give yourself permission to watch it and enjoy it! You know how to get off both on your own and with your partner! All great things!

My casual collection of experiential knowledge shows that folks with vaginas orgasm anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 minutes after the start of first visual and/or physical stimuli. An orgasm is essentially mental/physical stimulation build-up leading to pleasurable, automatic pelvic muscle contractions…continue reading…

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Live *WEBINAR*: The G-Spot & Vaginal Ejaculation! // July 21st

LIVE WEBINAR: The G-Spot & Vaginal Ejaculation || Thu, Jul 21, 2016 7:30 PM – 9:00 PM Eastern Standard Time {New York} || $15 per seat || 18+ || register & purchase tickets here! 

Workshop Description: This webinar busts myths about the G-Spot & Vaginal Ejaculation (it doesn’t exist! it’s the best orgasm ever! OMG PEE!!) and leaves participants with tools and tricks to learn the vaginal ejaculation trade.

This webinar lets participants tune in as I present live how to choose and utilize sex toys for G-Spot stimulation {non-explicit demonstration only}, present lube 11401179_771921860468_9034498346160463912_ndemos, and teach sexual anatomy 101 to teach about where this sneaky spot is, how to stimulate it (on yourself & others) and how to work towards the epic squirt.

Taking a holistic approach to sexual pleasure, this webinar also offers information about the clitoris, the power of our sexual context, and how to talk to partners about our pleasure. Open, honest and full of humor, this webinar reminds participants to have fun as they explore the sexual pleasure packed in this little spot.

Webinar will include time for participant questions and attendees will log off with helpful handouts and the password to my personal online selection of resources to dig into when the webinar is over.

|| Register & purchase tickets here !! || 

Read more about Yana & her work here on her About Me page.

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Double the Pleasure w/Synced Orgasms

Hi Yana,

I recently attended one of your workshops about the G-spot and it worked! My partner and I went home that night and I squirted. But it’s so strange because when I squirt it doesn’t happen as I climax. It isn’t like a climactic orgasm. It just feels crazy good and then I squirt. We were wondering if we could time it so that I could have the clitoral climax at the same time that I squirt?

— Star Squirting Student

Dear SSS,

Holy Star Student status! Plenty of folks report success with their newly learned sexpertise from my workshops, but OMG-spot, rarely do people go straight home and start squirting all over the place the very same night. As I say in my workshops, I can spend hours giving you information, but it’s up to you to have the bravery to utilize and communicate that information to your IMG_6401partners — so good on you.

I’m so glad you bring this up as in my G-spot workshops, I aim to address many myths barring us from great G-spot explorations and pleasures including:

That it doesn’t exist. (Hi, it does — I don’t just go around teaching workshops about unicorns);

That female ejaculation is pee. (I’m a grown woman, I think I know the difference between peeing my bed and having an orgasm);

And finally, that a G-spot orgasm is the orgasm of all orgasms.

You are living, breathing, squirting proof, SSS, that this simply isn’t true for everyone. While a G-spot orgasm feels more like an internal, pleasurable release, a clitoral orgasm can often feel more surface, intense and, well, climactic.

If we look at where these two pleasurable spots are located and how they’re stimulated, this makes a lot of sense...continue reading…


LIVE WEBINAR: The G-Spot & Vaginal Ejaculation || Thu, Jul 21, 2016 7:30 PM – 9:00 PM Eastern Standard Time {New York} || $15 per seat || 18+ || details & tickets here!

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Stuck in a Cum-nundrum

Hi Yana,

My partner (cis-male) and I (queer bisexual lady) enjoy getting super hot and bothered with each other, but we’re both frustrated with my seeming inability to orgasm. When we’re fooling around, just warming up, sometimes clitoral stimulation gets so intense that it’s painful, and we have to stop. When we move toward penetrative sex and I start feeling like I’m almost there — whatever “there” is — I start having trouble breathing or just forget to breathe all together and feel like I’m going to pass out … so we have to stop. When I play with myself, I just get bored without him there and have never orgasmed there either … and stop yet again. I love my partner and all things sensual and consensual with him. We’re great at communicating about these things together so we’ve tried going slower, relaxing, having him remind me to breathe, switching positions — everything, but nothing works!

— Stuck in a Cum-nundrum

Dear Stuck,

Sounds like y’all are continuing down a traditional sex path of foreplay (clitoral stimulation), penetration, (hoping for) orgasm — what I call the Sex Schedule. Though the Sex Schedule is touted as the way to have sex, it just doesn’t work for many people — and can get real boring, besides. And if the Sex Schedule isn’t working, let’s re-schedule your sex to be more fluid (har har) and less linear.

The clitoris is packed with 8,000 nerve endings. That’s twice as many that exist in the entire penis. So, immediately treating the clitoris like you’re excitedly attempting to reveal the flavor of a new scratch-and-sniff sticker is overwhelming for most and can, as you’ve stated, feel quite painful.

Don’t start with clitoral stimulation right off the bat. Start with something else that you know you and your partner both enjoy for a strong kick-off. Maybe some making out and then penetrative sex — but only for a little while — before trying some clitoral stimulation. Or maybe he goes down on you, without heavy focus on your clitoris for now, and then penetrative sex, then clitoral stimulation.

The traditional story of the Sex Schedule has us believing that once penetration happens — especially penis-in-vagina penetration — we’re on the non-stop train to O-Town and if you can’t make it to the orgasmic destination then too bad — catch up! Boners are a wonderful part of sex. But just a part. Experiment with fitting them into your sex flow, but don’t set your entire schedule around them…continue reading…