Pee or ‘squirt’? Understanding vaginal ejaculation

Hi Yana,

I started masturbating when I was in high school and there would be times where something would feel good, but then I would feel my muscles relax and suddenly my bed would be wet with pee — sometimes a lot of pee. It was like in certain positions I had no control over keeping pee in my body. Sometimes it even happened if I peed before I masturbated! Then it happened in partner sex. I was having sex with someone with a penis, I was on top and suddenly I was peeing all over him. That time I did really have to pee so it made some sense. Much more recently I was having sex and my partner was fingering me, and it felt good and I was wet, but then I was really wet and when I moved there was a large wet spot on the bed. I had peed again!

Is this just a part of the way my body works? Does this happen to others? I’m trying not to be too embarrassed about it, but both times it felt pretty mortifying. I already have a lot of problems feeling comfortable when having sex with others and this worry that I will randomly pee isn’t helping.

— Peeing Problems

Hi PP –

Many people hand over their hard-earned dollars for me to teach them, in my sex educational workshops, how to do what you’re doing which, to me, sounds a lot like vaginal ejaculation — “squirting,” as the mainstream, XXX-rated world might say.

This isn’t to say that you should automatically turn that frown upside down. As with all things sexual and erotic, there are a million different strokes for just as many folks, and if squirting is one person’s holy grail and your total pain in the ass, that’s okay, too. But I wonder if connecting this damp phenomenon to your sexual pleasure rather than your perceived urinary incontinence will provide you with a wee bit of relief. (Couldn’t help myself.)

There’s one dreaded study that just keeps recirculating on my social media timelines “proving” that vaginal ejaculate is “just pee.” This unimpressive study was done on a small sample — seven people. During analysis of the sample ejaculate, researchers found three substances that are also common in urine: urea, creatinine, and uric acid. They then promptly jumped to the conclusion that all female ejaculate is JUST PEE, Y’ALL. Phew! For a minute I was worried that vaginal pleasure could stand apart from reproductive or penis-pleasing purposes. GOOD THING IT’S JUST PEE and we can go back to shaming women for enjoying their sexual bodies…continue reading…


My Guy Shoots the Moon Too Soon

Hi, Yana!

I’m a 22-year-old woman in a hetero relationship with a guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year. We have a loving and communicative sex life, but are perplexed by a persisting issue! When we are fooling around, he occasionally ejaculates early and/or unexpectedly. He says it still feels like a full orgasm, but sometimes doesn’t even feel that good. We’ve had a hard time identifying when and why it happens. Hopefully you can help provide some insight!

— Prematurely Perturbed

Dear Prematurely,

Premature ejaculation is the most common sexual dysfunction plaguing the penis, affecting around 30 percent of men. You’re right to be curious about why this might be happening as getting down to the root of this issue is key to treating it: is the spark lighting this early lift-off fuse in his head or in his … other head?

Culturally and socially, men’s sexual issues tend to be medicalized — think the popularity of the little blue pill — while women’s tend to be viewed psychologically, socially, and relationally. This is congruent with the sexual story most of us are fed as youth, which centers the male sexual experience quite literally around his erection and orgasm while women are left to achieve orgasm through relational means (via gaining the comfort to give direction, receive pleasure, and initiate conversation about how this here clitoris actually works).

This does a disservice to all and in this case, has set your boyfriend up to feel extra failed when his erection pops then flops, as our standard sexual world can’t possibly orbit around a flaccid axis, right? Wrong!

Erections are just one tool in our sexual arsenal and making sure to not forget fingers, mouths, and toys is a great way to interrupt the cyclical nature of any sexual “dysfunction.” Meaning, if and when the cork does pop early, remember that the pleasure party doesn’t have to stop, which will take the pressure off next time and won’t reinforce the narrative that he and his penis are responsible for all the fun and/or ruining said fun.

There are physical and psychological causes and treatments for premature ejaculation…continue reading…