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Dear Yana,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple years now. We’re just now starting to experiment in our sex life. I’ve known how to make myself vaginally orgasm for a few years now. And he knows what positions I need to do to make this happen.

But it’s gotten to the point that if we have sex and I can’t have my orgasm, I get awfully bitter when he finishes. I have to fake a smile and pretend that it’s okay, but I’m usually so angry. Why can he finish, but I can’t?

When I try to talk with him about it he feels like I’m only into sex for the orgasm and not the intimacy. I want to be understanding but now that I know how to orgasm, if I can’t finish I’m angry and I have a hard time letting it go.

Am I silly? How do I remain content if he doesn’t let me orgasm, too?

Sincerely,

Bitter About It

 

Dear Bitter,

If my partner was only concerned with their orgasm and had zero regard for mine, I might feel bitter, too. From your description, it sounds like you’ve tried to bring this issue up to him outside of a sexual context and to talk about what you desire from your sexual relationship with him, and that’s great.

I’m noticing that a lot of the language you use to describe this issue includes words that imply that your boyfriend’s in total control of your body and shared sexual experience: “I have to,” “he doesn’t let me,” and coming in at a grand total of being used three times in your 10-sentence email — “I can’t.”

Who died and made your boyfriend in charge of your sexual satisfaction?

You’ve done the work of getting to know yourself and your body, of unlearning whatever shame baggage you were gifted by the world around us (because, when it comes to sex, we’ve all got at least a little to carry), and to discover your vaginal orgasm. Woo! Then, you’ve communicated to your boyfriend what he can do to create mutual pleasure in your sexual interactions. He knows what to do. You know what to do. So what’s the hold up?

You don’t need to fake a smile and pretend that it’s okay. Because it really doesn’t sound like it’s okay. You say so yourself that you’re angry, bitter, and struggling to remain content with your sex life and, eventually I would imagine, your relationship in general.

Resentments are a great way to poison a relationship…continue reading..