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Hey baby, what’s your number?

Hi Yana,

  • What are your thoughts on how much/what of your sexual history you should divulge to your current partner(s)? I always ask about most recent STD/STI tests, but is your current partners’ number of present (and past) sex partners important to know?

    I recently watched Dan Savage’s “Savage U” (because I saw Tristan Taormino on your website and started listening to her podcast and he was on it) and the gender stereotypes and standards regarding this issue were nauseating — ie. women saying that if you’ve had less than 10 partners it’s fine to tell, but if you’ve had more than 10 you should keep it a secret.

    I’ve always told my partners my number, just because I’m not very sexually experienced and my number isn’t that important to me. But what do you do with this information once/if you have it? In addition, some people don’t keep a number and this also brings up the conversation of what constitutes “sex” — fingering? any/all of the “jobs?”

    Allow me to be blunt: Asking what somebody’s number is some outdated, slut-shaming, rigid boundary drawing, sexual claustrophobia-inducing bullshit.

    When you ask for someone’s number, you’re not just asking for a digit; you’re quantifying that person’s multifaceted, personal sexual experiences into an arbitrary numeral and applying all kinds of value-based judgments on that number…continue reading…

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V-Spot Quickies: What are the chances?

Every now & then I get a question emailed to me that doesn’t require an entire column to answer. These short-and-sweet Q&As will be published on my website only, under V-Spot Quickies.


Hi Yana,

I always like reading your column and learning about  the sexuality of others. I’m a straight guy but my wildest erotic fantasy which I’ve seen in a few adult DVDs is seeing a woman in her forties or fifties orally satisfying a hot 20-year old girl.

Granted the scenes in the DVDs could be exaggerated along with fake orgasms but something about it  seems intensely exciting.

I’m guessing that the chances of this happening in real life are probably slim to none.

Hopeful Harry

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Hi Hopeful Harry!

Thanks so much for reading the column & for writing me. Much of what we see in porn is exaggerated fantasy — including exaggerations of body types, orgasms, and sexual pairings. But that’s the fun of porn! It gives us entrance into a fantasy world where everything and anything is sexually and erotically possible.

As for how possible “finding” this in real life is, well, yes – I think your chances of stumbling happenstance upon a woman in her 50s with her face stuffed in a hot, 20-year-old’s vagina in your bedroom one day are quite slim to none. However, I think respectfully and carefully perusing some online hook-up sites like FetLife may give you the medium and the audience to carefully craft this sexual encounter with some interested ladies who might share in the desire to make this fantasy a reality.

Just make sure to be honest and truthful about your intentions for the encounter and be sure that everything is consensual. This is a pretty specific fantasy, so it may take some time and patience. In the meantime, porn can be a great way to delve into fantasies and get some good ideas for if and when they come true.

Good luck!

Yana

 

 

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So, You Wanna Sleep with a Lesbian

The first time I slept with a girl it was awkward as hell.

Sure, I had dabbled in the giggling French kisses of curious high school sleepovers, but never did I go to a girl’s room with the intention of having lesbian sex with her. But this is what I did one tipsy night my first year in college. As a girl, making out with a girl is easy: their lips are softer, the absence of stubble is refreshing, and mixing lip glosses all over your face is a tasty mess. It’s the rest of it that stumped me.

The vagina, by sheer design, is just trickier than the penis. And the clitoris? It’s hidden in all these folds and it’s wearing a tiny hood? WTF?! Male anatomy, on the other hand, is just there, easy-to-please. So, mid-roll-around in this girl’s tiny college bed, it suddenly dawned on me: Though I had gotten the penis down, I had no idea what to do with this female-bodied human.

It seemed to take hours before our shirts came off and, awkwardly stalling with my hands frozen unnaturally at my sides, my gracious hostess finally put me out of my bi-curious misery: “You know, we don’t have to do this at all,” she said. “We can just snuggle.” I wonder how audible my sigh of relief really was.

In formalized sex education and the media, we’ve all learned the predetermined course of action for penis-and-vagina sex: foreplay, intercourse, male ejaculation, fin. But there is no classical road map when it comes to girl-on-girl action.

We were more successful the next time and, over the course of our year-long relationship, I really got the sex-with-a-girl-thing down. These days my lady-laden romance resume speaks for itself — I can do The Lesbian Sex. And all you straight, bi-curious, bisexual and/or newly queer women can, too, with a little advice.

The first question I get from my bi-curious friends is, “How can you tell a girl is into women?”…continue reading…

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The V-Spot: The Sex Talk

 

The V-Spot: The Sex Talk

My dad gave me The Sex Talk one night during my freshman year in high school. We were driving home in his car. As he did his best to stammer through the basics of STD transmission and cautionary tales of unwanted pregnancies, I kept one hand on the truck’s door-handle, debating the pros and cons of an attempted tuck-and-roll. Time turned to molasses, and when I had finally latched onto the sweet salvation that we were only a mile from the house, he pulled the truck over so that we could get through everything The Sex Talk required.

I had already been having sex for months before that conversation happened, had already learned terms like “69” from my older cousins and “that the dude puts it inside the woman” from my first-grade best friend.

Despite the lateness and embarrassment, The Sex Talk with my father taught me that my dad cared about my physical and emotional well-being and that he was there for me during this confusing, exploratory time in my life.

This week, I chatted with fellow local sex educator Brooke Norton, an expert at helping parents talk to their kids about the birds and the bees.…continue reading…

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Lickety Split About Going Down: My boyfriend won’t lick my sundae

This week I was feeling split about what kind of advice to give to a reader about her boyfriend’s hesitancy to go down on her. So I called in the big feyonce guns to lend me a dude’s opinion.

Find Patrick’s advice here and my boring old advice in this week’s column (posted below) and in the back page of The Valley Advocate as always.

Feeling inclined to do the Yes/No/Maybe list with your bae? Find it here!


 

The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Won’t Lick My Sundae

I’ve been seeing a wonderful man for about a year and a half and I feel like I’ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

Here’s the problem: He isn’t a very sexual person and won’t perform oral sex on me. He says he never has on any of his previous girlfriends and they never asked for it.

He says he’s actually sickened by going down there orally.

I’m clean, healthy, well-groomed and a very sexual person. I go down on him all the time and enjoy it. He feels bad that he can’t do this for me and I feel bad asking him to do something that makes him feel gross.

We have very traditional sex and it’s satisfying — we both come — but I always want more. I’ve begged him for anal and he tried it and didn’t like it.

In the past I’ve had great sex with jerks I want no future with. And then I have boring sex with nice people who want long-term. I don’t want to throw away our relationship because of one thing, but I’m afraid I’ll end up resenting him. He’s against an open relationship. Any advice?

I’d be split about this lackluster labia-licking situation if I were you, too. In fact, without being able to sit and talk to you both, I’ve been pretty lickety split about how to advise you.

I want to tell you to stop eating his banana split if he won’t eat your sundae.

On the flip side, I hate yogurt. This isn’t a sexual metaphor — I seriously despise yogurt. I gag at the sight of it. If my boyfriend told me that my eating yogurt was the only way he would feel sexually fulfilled, I know I couldn’t do it. Continue reading…

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Am I a Creepy OKCupid Troll?

It’s been a few years since I last got laid. Lately I’ve been trying to use OKCupid to look for a hookup. I also tried using Craigslist personals, but that didn’t go anywhere. While on OKCupid I email women asking if they want to chat, but I don’t get a reply in return. Many don’t even look at the message. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m an introvert and never had that many friends so it hasn’t been easy for me. I used to go out to the bars locally or in downtown Springfield, but I usually ended up doing the driving and didn’t get to socialize much because I’m shy when talking to women.

Do you have any advice on what I could do?

Being a shy, introverted dude attempting to navigate the cocky, charming, testosterone-fueled world of modern hook-up culture isn’t easy. It sounds like online dating could be a really useful tool for you to use as it’s intentionally set up for people to hit on other people from the relative safety of their iPhones — no extroversion required.

However, though you’ve found the right tool to use, perhaps you just haven’t quite learned how to use it well. Just because I took my local sex columnist’s advice and bought a fancy new vibrator, for example, doesn’t mean I’m going to be having incredible orgasms if I don’t first learn how to turn it on, right? Same idea…continue reading…


IMG_8753I’m teaching a workshop this month!

Thursday, July 16th. 7:30-9pm at Oh My Sensuality Shop in Northampton. $12/seat. Limited seating. 18+. Purchase tickets & find out more details here!