First, it’s perfectly fine if you’re just simply not that into sex. Sexual desire, much like most other things having to do with sex, exists on a spectrum. It’s completely normal for a person’s sex drive to slide around anywhere on a scale from six-feet-under to rocketing-to-the-moon. Your particular level of sexual desire is only problematic if you’re doing harm to others or if you yourself are experiencing your level of desire as problematic.

However, if you feel like you’ve “never cared for sex to begin with” based on issues related to self-worth, depression, anxiety, shame, or your current STI status, and you wish that you had higher sexual desire, there are certainly ways you can achieve this. Engaging in self-healing via support groups, peer networks, workshops, and sex-positive therapy can all be helpful routes to explore. But again, if it doesn’t feel broken to you, no need to fix.

Now about that STI status. Many folks who have an incurable STI such as herpes have a lot of understandable anxiety around telling new sexual partners. My general rule is that it’s time to disclose personal information if/when it becomes relevant to the other person’s risk-management process. Determining when this point is can be tricky because it’s slightly subjective.

For some people, it’s important to them to tell a potential date right away in order to avoid the hassle of getting to know somebody who might ultimately view an STI as a “dealbreaker.” Others view their STI status as (rightfully) their own private information that might not be necessary to divulge to someone over First Date Nachos at the Dirty Truth.

This is personal, and you have the right to wait to get to know someone before you tell them about it if you want to. What becomes unethical is not telling someone that they themselves may be at risk for genital herpes by, for example, having physical/sexual contact with them that puts them at risk without first telling them about your positive status.

Do this before the clothes come off so that y’all can communicate in a clear-headed, less vulnerable setting. Though texting can help us feel shielded, never text someone information that you don’t want screengrabbed and shared without your permission.

When you do have this talk, be clear, come prepared with information about the riskiness of various intimate acts, and have resources that they can check out if they’d like to take time to think, such as Ella Dawson’s awesome work about dating with herpes….continue reading…