There’s empathizing and supporting and then there’s taking on everyone else’s stuff as our own and “fixing.” There are important differences between these two modes of relating to someone, especially when it comes to romantic/sexual partners. The first mode will help you accomplish your goal of helping your partner feel safe and comfortable while the latter will not. Similarly, the first will keep your boundaries intact while the latter will likely bulldoze them over.

First, let’s talk “fixing.” By its very nature, this mode has little respect for boundaries — yours or theirs. This mode says, “We are one. Your problems are my problems. Your reality should be a carbon copy of my reality. My perspective is superior. Here, let me show you how to adopt it as your own.” When we take on someone else’s stuff as our own, not only are we failing to hold our own boundaries in place, but we are disempowering our partners by unintentionally sending messages such as “Your way is bad/broken,” “I hold the key to your health,” and “You cannot manage your own discomfort.” This is not a sustainable model for either of you.

To avoid taking on everyone else’s stuff and fixing, it can be helpful to look at why we feel such an urge to do so. The urge to fix others usually ultimately comes down to blurry boundaries within ourselves (in therapy, we call this a lack of differentiation) and/or it can be connected to our attempts to alleviate our own discomfort that we feel when witnessing someone else’s discomfort (this can be related to attachment styles).

Then, we have empathizing and supporting. For someone like yourself who self-identifies as a proud slut, it can be easy to put your enthusiasm for the erotic onto someone else in an unwelcome way (read: not helping your partner feel safe and comfortable). While it’s perfectly fine for you to be pumped on pleasure, it’s similarly perfectly fine that your partner simply doesn’t feel the same easy love for lust.

To practice empathizing and supporting…continue reading…