Whoa now, let’s not go confusing great sex with great relationship potential. Easy to do? Oh yeah. Fun to do? You betchya. Going to end well? Notttt likely.

First, let’s talk about the concept of The One. Admittedly, you might be barking up the wrong monogamy-til-death-tells-us-otherwise tree for advice about finding one person to fulfill all of your ever-evolving needs for the rest of your life, but here it is.

As social creatures, we’ve been scientifically proven to severely suffer in isolation from other humans. We spend most of our lives seeking out connection to others because it feels good but also because it is literally tied to our survival as a social species. My entire career as a therapist and sex educator is built on the notion that we want to connect, we want to relate, we want to feel love/be loved, and we want safe & welcome human touch. People will do almost anything to stay connected to those they love and we sure do act out in surprising, destructive, and panicked ways when those ties start looking like they might break.

Then in comes the concept of The One which, might as well just be called Isolation Insurance. Once we finally find The One, we’re told, we’ve found someone to fulfill all of the needs, sturdy all of the relational ties, and to make sure that we will never have to be alone again. Phew! Once we find The One, we can *finally* relax.

But the reality is that all relationships, and especially long-term relationships, and extra especially satisfying and healthy long-term relationships, take a lot of hard work. What does this have to do with your current D-lemma, Afterglow?

Well, though sexual compatibility and a hot, rough roll in the hay can be crucial to a happy relationship for many people, it’s not necessarily the only glue needed to create a foundation for a relationship that is long-standing and sustainable.

The first 6-ish months of a relationship is basically a sex-and-drug-fueled infatuation party except instead of weed, we’re getting real high on dopamine — a naturally occurring chemical in the body that’s released when we’re forming fresh and exciting sexual and emotional connections with a new lover. As our relationship progresses, some of these chemical connections can fade and what rises to the surface can either result in deeper commitment to an ongoing relationship or, our pop of sexual sizzle can fade to reveal well, not much worth holding onto.

Does this mean you should stop getting awesomely laid right now, Afterglow? Definitely not. But setting some boundaries for yourself around what you’re looking for in a partner, what you’re expectations are from a good fuck buddy, and the work required to maintain the sweet intersections of both, can make sure that only your you-know is getting smashed, and not your hopes or heart.