My Married Sex Life, For Better or Worse

I’ve been with my husband for many years, and our sex life has never been ideal. We never seem to be on the same page. We definitely have different styles and preferences. Things he enjoys, I do not, and vice versa. For example, I enjoy giving him a blow job, but he will take it over and start thrusting or grabbing my head. He gets frustrated and will say I’m so hard to get off, but it’s almost an insult to his masculinity when I offer suggestions. Our marriage is great, but I would like the best sex of my life to be with the man I married. How do we make our sex life work for both of us if we don’t have the same sexual interests?

Our atrocious sex education paired with our cultural knack for social stigmatization has made us really bad at talking about sex. When women ask for what they want sexually, they’re labeled “sluts” or “high maintenance” or “selfish.” Women aren’t taught to vocalize their desires nor are they educated about their orgasms. Women are taught to be sexually passive and submissive and that when in doubt, they should “just take it.” Meaning, they should just take the orgasms they can get, take the affection they’re offered, and accept their sex lives for what they are at face value.

Men, on the other hand, are socialized to know — or at least pretend to know — everything about sex, be in charge of sexual encounters, and be intrinsically able to satisfy their partners. When men don’t do this, they are seen as being “weak” or “not a real man.” If women are taught to “just take it,” men are taught to “just fake it,” blindly stumbling through every sexual situation without stopping to ask for directions…continue reading…


The V-Spot: The Sex Talk


The V-Spot: The Sex Talk

My dad gave me The Sex Talk one night during my freshman year in high school. We were driving home in his car. As he did his best to stammer through the basics of STD transmission and cautionary tales of unwanted pregnancies, I kept one hand on the truck’s door-handle, debating the pros and cons of an attempted tuck-and-roll. Time turned to molasses, and when I had finally latched onto the sweet salvation that we were only a mile from the house, he pulled the truck over so that we could get through everything The Sex Talk required.

I had already been having sex for months before that conversation happened, had already learned terms like “69” from my older cousins and “that the dude puts it inside the woman” from my first-grade best friend.

Despite the lateness and embarrassment, The Sex Talk with my father taught me that my dad cared about my physical and emotional well-being and that he was there for me during this confusing, exploratory time in my life.

This week, I chatted with fellow local sex educator Brooke Norton, an expert at helping parents talk to their kids about the birds and the bees.…continue reading…


Lickety Split About Going Down: My boyfriend won’t lick my sundae

This week I was feeling split about what kind of advice to give to a reader about her boyfriend’s hesitancy to go down on her. So I called in the big feyonce guns to lend me a dude’s opinion.

Find Patrick’s advice here and my boring old advice in this week’s column (posted below) and in the back page of The Valley Advocate as always.

Feeling inclined to do the Yes/No/Maybe list with your bae? Find it here!


The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Won’t Lick My Sundae

I’ve been seeing a wonderful man for about a year and a half and I feel like I’ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

Here’s the problem: He isn’t a very sexual person and won’t perform oral sex on me. He says he never has on any of his previous girlfriends and they never asked for it.

He says he’s actually sickened by going down there orally.

I’m clean, healthy, well-groomed and a very sexual person. I go down on him all the time and enjoy it. He feels bad that he can’t do this for me and I feel bad asking him to do something that makes him feel gross.

We have very traditional sex and it’s satisfying — we both come — but I always want more. I’ve begged him for anal and he tried it and didn’t like it.

In the past I’ve had great sex with jerks I want no future with. And then I have boring sex with nice people who want long-term. I don’t want to throw away our relationship because of one thing, but I’m afraid I’ll end up resenting him. He’s against an open relationship. Any advice?

I’d be split about this lackluster labia-licking situation if I were you, too. In fact, without being able to sit and talk to you both, I’ve been pretty lickety split about how to advise you.

I want to tell you to stop eating his banana split if he won’t eat your sundae.

On the flip side, I hate yogurt. This isn’t a sexual metaphor — I seriously despise yogurt. I gag at the sight of it. If my boyfriend told me that my eating yogurt was the only way he would feel sexually fulfilled, I know I couldn’t do it. Continue reading…