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The V-Spot: No Place for Your O-Face

Dear Yana,

I recently had an ~interesting~ first sexual encounter with a man. We had been talking for a couple weeks and it was our second date, and it was all going pretty well. So far we seem to connect pretty well on an intellectual level and there was some great intimacy build up (read: massive sexual tension-filled cuddling while watching a movie). Though it took us a second to kind of get on the same kissing level, after a while we got on the same groove and I was definitely pleasured.

And then he had an orgasm and it was honestly a turn-off for me. The sound and face he made were just super different than anything I have experienced before. I am naturally fairly quiet, and the few men I’ve been with in the past happen to have been rather conservative as well.

I don’t watch porn, so my past sexual experiences are all I have to go off of. I don’t want to judge people for what they want in bed and I certainly don’t want this to be something that puts a stop to what could potentially grow into a relationship. But at the same time, if I’m turned off by him orgasming, what does that mean for our sexual chemistry in the long term?

— Turned Off by his Turn On

Dear Turned Off,

I once heard a comic do this bit about making fun of other people’s laughs. He made some commentary about how you’re pretty much a total jerk if you scoff at somebody because of the way in which they express pure, unbridled joy and humor. That when you make fun of someone’s laugh, you’re telling them that when they’re tickled pink enough to let go and guffaw, or snort, or cackle, they actually shouldn’t feel joyful because they look real stupid when they do.

Does this rule apply here, Turned Off? Are you being a total jerk if you ditch this dude because he’s so good at leaning into his moment of pleasure that he looks pretty stupid when he does it? Is his looking real un-cute during his ecstatic climax more important than his sexual joy?

To be fair, Turned Off, I would imagine that if you looked yourself straight in the O-face in the mirror it might not be the prettiest selfie you’ve ever seen either. Losing control in a moment of pure pleasure looks and sounds funny sometimes, and that’s okay!

Of course, there are always two sides to every coin…continue reading…

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Seeking Seduction Instruction

Hi Yana,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Up until a couple of months ago, I was extremely satisfied with our sex life. He wanted me all the time and would initiate sex at least one to three times daily.

Recently, we moved in together and it seems the spark has faded. We’re having sex less and I find myself left unwanted and horny. I know I can initiate sex myself, but I’m shy and don’t know what to do!

I talked to him about it and he said that he was initiating so much it made him feel less wanted and that I should “own it when I want sex.” A completely flaccid penis is intimidating to me because I fear feeling rejected if I can’t get him hard.

I know hard-ons aren’t always going to happen and that often it’s due to other factors, but I would still appreciate some tips on how to seduce my man and let him know I want sex.

— Seeking Seduction Instruction

Why Hello Seeking  Seduction,

If distance makes the heart grow fonder, living separately can also make our hard-ons grow harder; moving in together can change the landscapes of our sexual routines.

When you move in with your mate you get to see their beautiful face last thing at night and first thing in the morning. But you also become extra dialed into other things — like how many times a day (and for how long) they go to the bathroom. Living together is an intimate situation to say the least.

This adjustment period is normal. A year together and moving in: Really, this ebb is right on schedule. So how do we get that flow going?

First — stop fearing the flaccid! You can’t expect your partner’s penis to always be at full attention in your presence — even if that’s the kind of attention you deserve. It just isn’t how the cards fall, biologically and practically.

Just as women have been shamed into thinking that the wetness of their vaginas is an accurate measure of how attracted they are to their partners, the strength of a man’s boner has been used as a yardstick of sexual excitement.

Boners come (hehe) and go sometimes spontaneously, sometimes due to sexual arousal, and sometimes they just can’t get up (literally) to speed with a man’s mental state.

If you’re waiting to see a bulge in your babe’s jeans before you make any moves at all, you might be waiting around a lot more than either of you would like to…continue reading…