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Are We Ready for a Threesome?

Me and my boyfriend of two years are looking to have a threesome. We are wanting to try it with a female, and a male. We are wanting to do this to enhance our sex life, and are not looking to add anyone into our relationship. We are both very open and honest with each other and think this would be a lot of fun for both of us.

But we both have a little tinge of fear of it complicating our relationship. I’ve heard it a million times: “Want a divorce? Have a threesome!” How do we know we are ready to get into something like this? Is there a good way to go about doing this that will ease the doubt that your partner could be more into the new person than you?

— Unsure About a Third

Want a divorce? Violate your partner’s trust and boundaries! Hold back your honest feelings in the name of “protecting” your partner! Have a threesome in lieu of telling your partner that you want to see other people solo!

What I mean to say is: Your relationship can absolutely survive a threesome. It’s not the threesome that kills it, but the relationship structure itself.

Is the basic infrastructure of your relationship sturdy enough not to collapse under the added weight of bringing someone else into your sex life? Can you and your boyfriend have honest discussions about your hopes and fears for this sexual experience? More importantly, is your relationship elastic enough to accommodate unpredictable physical, sexual, and maybe even romantic attraction to a guest-star?

I totally get the fear that your partner will be “more into” your special threesome friend. Our desire brain is like: “Threesome! Yes! Hot!” and then our anxious relational brain is all: “What if? What if? What if?” My advice to you is to control what you can control and then process the inner security it takes to handle the uncontrollable — namely, sexual, romantic, and relational risk.

Things you can control: boundaries and agreements made between the two of you and then between the two of you and your third. These include safer sex agreements, off-limits practices (for example, certain types of penetration, positions, sex toys, etc.), and logistical details (is this a one-night stand? Sleep over? Booty call or dinner date? Are you seeking someone from your friend network or an internet random?). Remember, though it’s key that you and your boyfriend are on the same page about these, your third person is also a human with boundaries and consent rights. Make sure he or she is informed about what is being agreed to and has ample opportunity to state personal boundaries.

Things you can’t control: nebulous things like feelings, desire, and physical displays of sexual functioning….continue reading…