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The V-Spot: The Fast and the Curious

Hi Yana,

Sometimes, when I’m in the mood to masturbate, I enjoy watching porn. The problem is when I do, it literally takes me no time to orgasm. Yesterday, I was feeling in the mood to enjoy myself. So, I started browsing some videos.

I barely started touching myself and felt the urge to orgasm in a matter of seconds. I stopped and tried to calm myself down, but it was too late. My body responded even without the stimulation

I’m a female in a heterosexual relationship. I don’t experience the crazy quick orgasm when we are intimate. Usually, there is an enjoyable build up to it. When I have this experience solo, it’s when I watch lesbian/solo female videos (which, I’ve always enjoyed).

So this raises a couple of questions:

Do you know why this might happen? Is it something in my brain chemistry due to the visual stimuli, that sets me off so quickly?

Is there a way to “fix” it? Sometimes, I really just want to experience and enjoy my body. Part of me feels like there is something wrong with me when it happens, and the other part of me hates the fact that I can’t enjoy the build up to the big O.

Sometimes I feel like this isn’t a “normal” occurrence. In your experience, have you ever helped or chatted with another female who experienced this?

— Quickie-on-the-Draw

Sex educator Barbara Carrellas can orgasm just from breathing. No touching. No porn. Just her, her breath, and her brain (watch her do it on barbaracarrellas.com). People get off from the feeling of fishnets, from the thought of their sweetie doin’ it with the milkman, from watching manicures smash into globs of silly putty (thanks, internet!). The erotic world is diverse. Weird. Kinky. Boring, even. It’s an amazing conglomerate of getting off how and where we can with whoever pushes our buttons and likes doing it (remember, always keep it consensual!).

The most normal thing about you, Quickie, is your underlying fear that your eroticism isn’t normal. If this fear weren’t so pervasive, I’d be out of a job (and happy for it!). But here we are — constantly worrying that the pre-packaged version of sexuality (hasn’t it expired yet?) should suit us just fine and if not then we’re to blame for being broken, perverted, or unfixable.

You know what kind of porn you like (and yes, it’s normal for folks to watch porn that doesn’t “match up” with their real life). You give yourself permission to watch it and enjoy it! You know how to get off both on your own and with your partner! All great things!

My casual collection of experiential knowledge shows that folks with vaginas orgasm anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 minutes after the start of first visual and/or physical stimuli. An orgasm is essentially mental/physical stimulation build-up leading to pleasurable, automatic pelvic muscle contractions…continue reading…

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New Pornographer Interested in Sex Ed

Hi Yana!

I saw your TEDx talk in Vienna and was copiously taking notes. The content was an eye-opener for me. I had never thought that both of our basic information sources about sex [school-sanctioned sex education and online pornography] are running their very own twisted agenda.

I started working in the porn industry six weeks ago — hey, the money is fantastic! — and my consumption of porn has gone way up as a side effect. I’m an animator on 3D animated porn shorts, so any porn clip is not only watched, but dissected frame by frame for all the details in body mechanics. (Yeah, it’s a tough life.)

What I wanted to ask you ever since that talk is: What resources can you suggest for filling that gap that both sex ed and porn leave?

I guess before your talk I would have let Google answer that question, but after your talk I’m somewhat weary of online sex education. Any books, videos, or online resources you recommend?

— Pornographer Across the Pond

Hello, PAP!

Thanks for such a great question and for your kind words. As someone actually working on porn sets,

Read this week's Intern Investigation!

Read this week’s Intern Investigation!

I’m so glad that you in particular attended the talk and are thinking about these things.

For readers who haven’t viewed my TEDxTalk yet, here’s the CliffsNotes version: Sex education is failing us hard. So, very naturally people — especially teens — are turning to Google and therefore often mainstream online porn to learn about what’s really going on with this whole sex thing beyond STDs and pregnancy risk.

But then mainstream porn paints a picture of sex that is limited to heterosexuality, penis-in-vagina penetration, and flawless and predictable mutual orgasm without any conversation about how this happens. If you’re a loyal reader, you already know that conversations about sex are crucial for practicing consent and having great sex.

Online porn, our new sex educator, teaches us what roles we should fit into during sex, what kinds of sex are “normal” and “abnormal,” and that sex needs to be wordless in order to be hot, sexy, and pleasurable.

So, PAP, what can you do to manage this deficit? The first is to work for and support pornography companies with ethical missions…continue reading…

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Husband Seeks Female-Friendly Sex Ed

Hi Yana,

My wife is interested in exploring her sexuality a little further — things she might be interested in trying, etc. — but is hoping to do so in a way that is female- and feminist-friendly. Do you have any suggestions for things she can do or read either individually or with me?

— Helpful Husband

Hello HH,

My favorite kind of husband is the one willing to lend a helping hand to his partner’s continued sexual exploration — especially when they’re flexible about their level of involvement!

Googling “sex” willy-nilly on the internet can get sticky to say the least. Before y’all surf the web, hit the books. Come As You Are by our very own local sexpert Emily Nagoski is the first thing to read. This is one of the most comprehensive, shame-reducing and normalizing books about sex I’ve read. Her helpful worksheets direct the reader through some great self-reflection and sexual explorations and can be done solo or with a partner (that’s you, HH!).

Other good readings include Mating in Captivity by my professional idol Esther Perel and O WOW: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm by Jenny Block.

Watching feminist porn either solo or with a partner is great sexploration fodder. Feminist porn isn’t that wam-bam-thank-you-whatever-your-name-was mainstream porn you find easily when you Google “porn.” Feminist porn is intentionally made for the non-male gaze, is often directed by women and queer people, features scenes co-created by the performers, and proudly displays real orgasms and consent practices. (Read my past column, Grass Fed Porn for more on feminist porn.)

Tristan Taormino directs great feminist-friendly sex educational porn she calls “expert guides” on topics that include female orgasms, the G-spot, oral sex, threesomes, and rough sex that blend smut and educational lecture for a real pleasurable learning experience.

Also, your truly humble sex columnist teaches a variety of workshops on topics such as the G-spot, kink, anal sex, non-monogamous relationships, and sex toys! You can find my upcoming workshops at yanatallonhicks.com.

Sexual shame can be a heavy shroud to lift for a lot of people — especially women, queer people and other folks who have not been granted the same social permission to talk about and explore their sexuality and experiences of sexual pleasure that straight men have enjoyed…continue reading…

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Oh! Oh! Oh? Where’s My Orgasm?

Hi Yana!

I started having sex with males this past summer. It’s fun and exciting, but I’ve yet to reach an earth-shattering orgasm. That may be too high of an expectation for myself, but it feels like I’ve never had an orgasm at all.

I feel the build up, but there’s no release. I think this may be contributing to my extremely low sex drive, because sex isn’t really beneficial for me. I really do want to be having more sex, and more fulfilling healthy sex with my long-term partner.

How do I have an orgasm? How do I go about figuring out what I like, what gets me off? Am I getting in my own way somehow?

Usually when I have sex it’s vaginal penetration with short bursts of clitoral stimulation. I guess my main problem is starting the dialogue, “Hey, can you try this?” because I don’t know what to ask for. Should I watch more porn, go on kinky websites for ideas? Or, considering how sex in mainstream media is depicted in a way that is largely unbeneficial to women, is that more hurt than help?

— Still Searching

Dear SS,

Your questions echo the many, many questions I get from people trying to overcome this sexual hurdle — or just come at all. An orgasm is typically characterized by a pleasurable build-up which ends in a climactic release.

It sounds like you’re on your way, but haven’t quite reached Orgasm Town — a common experience.

You’re on the right track in your thinking about this — your search for an orgasm is going to take a lot more than basic P-in-V penetration. Logistically speaking, direct and consistent clitoral stimulation is a requirement for most. More importantly, orgasms take personal work both in between our legs and in between our ears. What I mean to say, is the brain is our largest sex organ; so let’s start there…continue reading…

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How Tech is Reshaping Male Masturbation // Mashable.com

“Let me assure you, babe. I’m absolutely ambidextrous when it comes to the touchpad mouse and keyboard on my computer. Being a right-handed masturbator means I’ve gotten very good at typing with my left hand.”

My boyfriend Patrick (31 years old, tattoo artist, handsome as hell) and I are driving to a dinner party. We’ve drifted into talking male maturbation, porn and technology as you do when you’re a curious sex writer without a penis of your own, with an hour-long drive to kill.

As someone who rarely watches porn when I masturbate, I ask him why he needs to do so much mousing and keyboarding when jerking off to Internet smut.

 

“Oh, you know, most guys go through this cycle of blow job, penetrative fucking, cum shot; blow-job, penetrative fucking, cum-shot. That way you hit all of the most high-intensity parts of the porn. But too much of that would probably be desensitizing to sex in real life,” he speculates, “because that’s not how real sex works”.

According to PornHub.com’s 2015 year-in-review, we’ve blown through 1,892 petabytes of bandwidth on the site this past year, equivalent to filling the storage on all of the iPhones sold in 2015 with porn. In 2015 we watched 4.4 billion hours of porn on PornHub.com alone. The U.S. was responsible for 41% of the XXX-rated site’s traffic this year, with women representing 23% of the site’s visitors and men 77%.

Free online porn has become so accessible that in October 2015, iconic porno mag Playboyannounced its no-more-nudity rebranding in an effort to stay relevant in the modern age of digital debauchery; “The political and sexual climate of 1953, the year Hugh Hefner introduced Playboyto the world, bears almost no resemblance to today,” said Playboy Enterprises CEO Scott Flanders.

In 2015, handheld devices brought in most of PornHub.com’s traffic, with 52.9% of visits coming from phones, 10.8% from tablets and only 36.3% from desktop computers. That means men aren’t just holding their penises while jerking off.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D, nationally recognized sexuality counselor, sex therapist and author, says technology-assisted self-love could be changing the physical action of how men masturbate. He calls it “opportunistic masturbation”: “Men no longer need to plan maturbation; an impulsive turn-on strikes and they can go masturbate with the aid of technology, pretty much wherever.”

 

As Patrick confirms, “I use technology 95% of the time I masturbate. My phone means that at any given time with the right amount of privacy I can have a nice, mind-clearing orgasm without having to conjure up that old stand-by mental image. [Writer’s note: Thanks, babe.] When I was young I could masturbate to an erotica story on the Internet or a Victoria’s Secret catalog because that’s what was around. But now, left to my own devices, I’ll scan through half a dozen to a dozen porn scenes before I actually orgasm.”

With hand-held devices, everything men need to jack off is readily available in the pockets and flies of their jeans, providing them with a hyper-stimulating cycle in short, high-impact sessions. As PornHub.com reports, the average visit to their site lasts just over nine minutes — far from the 30 minute average it takes most women to orgasm via direct stimulation and hardly enough time to light some candles before or snuggle after — a disconnect from partnered sexual experiences that could be causing more harm than good…continue reading on Mashable.com…

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Gimme That Grass-Fed Porn

My wife and I have previously been pretty conservative when it comes to sex and not super-adventurous. Recently we realized our marriage would be better served by us servicing each other. The journey has been great and fun and messy and awkward … but mostly great.

We are against people being used, abused or manipulated without their consent, so for a long time that kept us from pornography, which we felt is not always the nicest business to actors and actresses.

We’ve come across a lot of research that shows women who watch porn, or couples who watch porn together, have some amazing benefits to the relationship: greater sexual satisfaction, more happiness, feelings of togetherness — all the things we all want. But what are some good porn companies and films? By good, I mean the organic, grass-fed, free-range beef of porn?

Well, you nailed it. Here in the Valley, we like our groceries in hemp tote bags, our kale served with (gluten-free) soil, and our porn organically orgasmic.

The good news is this kind of porn is both possible, readily available, and hot.

In the past, I’ve written a lot about what I call “feminist porn.” Whether or not you’re into that particular F-word, feminist porn has a lot to offer women, couples, queer folk, and anyone else looking for a pornographic viewing experience different than the drugged-up wham-bam that pops up after a basic “porn” Google search.

Yes, traditional porn isn’t always the nicest to its performers. Yes, several studies show great benefits to individuals’ and couples’ sexual self esteem, closeness and satisfaction via enjoying porn. And yes, you can stand against manipulation, abuse and non-consent and still get off to porn! Continue reading…

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V-Spot Quickies: What are the chances?

Every now & then I get a question emailed to me that doesn’t require an entire column to answer. These short-and-sweet Q&As will be published on my website only, under V-Spot Quickies.


Hi Yana,

I always like reading your column and learning about  the sexuality of others. I’m a straight guy but my wildest erotic fantasy which I’ve seen in a few adult DVDs is seeing a woman in her forties or fifties orally satisfying a hot 20-year old girl.

Granted the scenes in the DVDs could be exaggerated along with fake orgasms but something about it  seems intensely exciting.

I’m guessing that the chances of this happening in real life are probably slim to none.

Hopeful Harry

*

Hi Hopeful Harry!

Thanks so much for reading the column & for writing me. Much of what we see in porn is exaggerated fantasy — including exaggerations of body types, orgasms, and sexual pairings. But that’s the fun of porn! It gives us entrance into a fantasy world where everything and anything is sexually and erotically possible.

As for how possible “finding” this in real life is, well, yes – I think your chances of stumbling happenstance upon a woman in her 50s with her face stuffed in a hot, 20-year-old’s vagina in your bedroom one day are quite slim to none. However, I think respectfully and carefully perusing some online hook-up sites like FetLife may give you the medium and the audience to carefully craft this sexual encounter with some interested ladies who might share in the desire to make this fantasy a reality.

Just make sure to be honest and truthful about your intentions for the encounter and be sure that everything is consensual. This is a pretty specific fantasy, so it may take some time and patience. In the meantime, porn can be a great way to delve into fantasies and get some good ideas for if and when they come true.

Good luck!

Yana

 

 

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My 12-year old is watching porn. Now what?

I’ve enjoyed hearing you speak on the sexpert panels at the Platinum Pony. Your name popped into my head today after learning my 12-year-old son has begun to dip his toes into the world of online porn. I knew it was going to happen. I just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon.

I’m planning to have a talk with him. His dad and I aren’t together and he doesn’t seem to think that this warrants a conversation. I do. Porn has its place, but not so much in the early stages of development in one’s erotic profile. I want to be that mom who has the ability to make talking about sex easier and even normal if possible. You mentioned that you teach sex education workshops for teens. Do you teach or have resources to offer parents of tweens?

Do I teach workshops, you ask? You bet your bottom orgasm I do! I teach workshops on everything I write about: G-spots, prostates, vibrators, lube, kink, polyamory, etc. Like my writing, my sex education style is normalizing, light-hearted, and pleasure-positive….continue reading…