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The V-Spot: No Place for Your O-Face

Dear Yana,

I recently had an ~interesting~ first sexual encounter with a man. We had been talking for a couple weeks and it was our second date, and it was all going pretty well. So far we seem to connect pretty well on an intellectual level and there was some great intimacy build up (read: massive sexual tension-filled cuddling while watching a movie). Though it took us a second to kind of get on the same kissing level, after a while we got on the same groove and I was definitely pleasured.

And then he had an orgasm and it was honestly a turn-off for me. The sound and face he made were just super different than anything I have experienced before. I am naturally fairly quiet, and the few men I’ve been with in the past happen to have been rather conservative as well.

I don’t watch porn, so my past sexual experiences are all I have to go off of. I don’t want to judge people for what they want in bed and I certainly don’t want this to be something that puts a stop to what could potentially grow into a relationship. But at the same time, if I’m turned off by him orgasming, what does that mean for our sexual chemistry in the long term?

— Turned Off by his Turn On

Dear Turned Off,

I once heard a comic do this bit about making fun of other people’s laughs. He made some commentary about how you’re pretty much a total jerk if you scoff at somebody because of the way in which they express pure, unbridled joy and humor. That when you make fun of someone’s laugh, you’re telling them that when they’re tickled pink enough to let go and guffaw, or snort, or cackle, they actually shouldn’t feel joyful because they look real stupid when they do.

Does this rule apply here, Turned Off? Are you being a total jerk if you ditch this dude because he’s so good at leaning into his moment of pleasure that he looks pretty stupid when he does it? Is his looking real un-cute during his ecstatic climax more important than his sexual joy?

To be fair, Turned Off, I would imagine that if you looked yourself straight in the O-face in the mirror it might not be the prettiest selfie you’ve ever seen either. Losing control in a moment of pure pleasure looks and sounds funny sometimes, and that’s okay!

Of course, there are always two sides to every coin…continue reading…

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Dry-humping Better Than Sex

I’m an 18-year-old girl with a sex question. I don’t orgasm during sex with a guy, but I usually do orgasm when we’re dry-humping. Do you have any advice about how sex could be made better for me? I still want to have sex to pleasure my partner, but it’s boring for me. Help me get over this hump!

It sounds like your partner needs to learn where your clitoris is! You’re probably orgasming during dry-humping because your clitoris is getting rubbed and/or stimulated consistently by whatever surface you’re dry-grinding on. This isn’t surprising as direct, consistent clitoral stimulation is a requirement for well over 75 percent of women to achieve a clitoral climax. The Cliteracy Project by artist Sophia Wallace is a really fun and accessible way for both of you to start learning more about the clitoris.

The clitoris’s climactic fondness for direct and consistent stimulation explains the popularity of clitoral vibrators and is also sadly missing from solely penetrative penis-in-vagina sex as thrusting does little to stimulate your clitoris (located externally above the vaginal opening where the folds of the labia meet). So, your new joint mission is to squash your sexual boredom and experiment with new ways to get you that consistent clitoral stimulation you’re enjoying during dry-humping. Why is this your joint mission?…continue reading…

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Help! My Orgasms Went on Holiday

I’m a 28-year-old female with a high sex drive. I’ve always found it easy to come with clitoral stimulation. When my partner and I have sex it’s not unusual for it to last over an hour. My guy loves cunnilingus almost as much as I love getting it. I often lose count of the times I orgasm.

But for the last few months I haven’t been able to come. None of my favorite things work. It feels nice, but there are no fireworks. I’ve had some instances where it’s been uncomfortable to have sex, but I’ve put that down to lack of my own lubricant. If I do come it’s so intense it almost doesn’t feel good because I’m too sensitive. It kind of feels like all of my orgasms have joined forces instead of being spread out, but not in a good way.

I’m a bit stressed about work and things between my partner and me are good, but I’m even having trouble orgasming when I use my vibrator, which is unheard of. My partner is getting insecure, thinking I’m not into it anymore. I’m getting frustrated because I am into it, but my body won’t cooperate.

I could give you some CUMbaya advice about how sex is about enjoying the journey rather than the climactic destination, and I do believe this, but Ugh! Losing your orgasm sucks. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are, in fact, quite good at enjoying the journey most times. But suddenly, you find yourselves on this neverending, pleasant, yet frustrating, road trip down a sexually scenic route to Nogasmland. I’ve felt these frustrations when my orgasms have decided to take a little vacation without me. The good news is — they always come home and so will yours.

There are three big components that inform our sexual experiences: our bodies, our brains, and our context. Our best orgasmic experiences happen when all three are working together…continue reading…