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Am I Mono or Poly?

Hi Yana,

I always thought of myself as a monogamous person who sometimes dabbled with non-monogamy, but lately I’ve really been struggling to determine just what my “relationship paradigm” is. It started when I was in a non-mono relationship that transitioned to a mono one. We tried to get our conflicting needs met, but ultimately we made the painful decision to part ways.

I then started some casual relationships and developed real feelings for two people — which I didn’t think was possible for me. This was so surprising that I stopped dating to process this new self-discovery.

I’m struggling to figure out what relationship type I should be doing. Online forums and books make it sound like everyone has this stuff figured out, to the point that I wonder what I’m missing that makes it so difficult for me to determine my own relational nature.

I’ve consulted the usual sources of information available: I’ve spoken to friends that identify as non-monogamous, and since relocating last year I’ve been going to a non-mono meet-up group. My friends all seem to have just instinctively known they were not mono. The meet-up experience has been somewhat mixed — I’ve met some really helpful people, but I’ve also run into blatant distrust from those who think that, as a heterosexual cis-gendered male who is currently going it solo, I must be there for less-than-honest reasons. I need to figure this out before I start dating again. Someone suggested I might be a “switch,” able to be happy in either a mono- or poly-type relationship with the right partner(s). To me, this sounds about as realistic as a unicorn, but is it possible? Am I missing or not seeing something?

— The Mono-Poly Guy

Dear Mono-Poly Guy,

Who am I? What does this mean? What the fuck was that? These are the big ol’ life questions that come up for all of us when it comes to sex, love, and relationships — monogamous or not. Your epic confusion is entirely normal. And so is your desire to sort it all out.

When it comes to non-monogamy, and to polyamory specifically, folks tend towards one of two categories: they either see “polyamorous” as a personal identity that describes them in much the same way as being male, or bisexual, or Christian might. Or, they identify non-monogamy as a relationship style — it’s something that they do, but isn’t necessarily who they are…continue reading…

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He’s Monogamous, I’m Polyamorous — Can This Work?

Hi Yana!

I’m currently in a mono-poly relationship. My primary partner is monogamous and has no interest in being with other people. He is reading More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert and is searching for resources when feelings of jealousy or envy come up. We’ve known each other for two years and have been dating for three months. I was already dating my current girlfriend when he and I started dating, and I have also ended a relationship with a boyfriend while we’ve been together. He says his biggest fear is what might happen when I meet someone new and fall for them, since that hasn’t happened yet. But I know it will, and now I’m afraid of it happening, too.

How do I stop freaking out about hurting my amazing partner while still being my autonomous, polyamorous self? We love each other and we want to put everything into making this last.

In a Poly Predicament

Dear Poly,

True: monogamous/polyamorous relationship structures can be extra tricky and take a lot of work.

False: they never work.

However, they certainly thrive stronger and longer if built on a sound, ever-updated structure.

It sounds like your primary has been (very naturally) struggling with jealousy for the short few months that you have been together. It also seems like he’s developed enough jealousy-coping strategies to at least manage these strong feelings about partners who were already on the scene when he arrived.

The idea of having a new person show up can rock the boat even with seasoned non-monogamous folks, and can definitely feel like you’re waiting for a huge, catastrophic other shoe to drop when you’re unfamiliar with non-monogamy or are naturally monogamous like your primary is. Will he be replaced? When will this happen? What will happen when this happens? Who will it happen with?

First, validate these scary feelings he might be having. It’s important for each of you to confirm for the other person that the differing, but intersecting fears you have are natural.

Then, reinforce the power you have to handle change in your relationship by making some plans to support each other before, during, and after that change…continue reading…

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My Boyfriend Might Be Gay. Should I Care?

Hi Yana,

I recently began “dating” my best guy friend over this winter break. He’s told me that he was raised by a super religious mom and that when he was younger he “rebelled,” and experimented with other men, which he blamed on his homophobic upbringing. He told me he’s had sex with another man, but has since concluded that he was straight. I didn’t ask many questions other than, “So, do you think you’re gay?” to which he responded, “No, I’m not gay.”

The night after this conversation, I invited him to dinner with my friends and he brought a male friend. During dinner, they both mysteriously disappeared to the bathroom for over 10 minutes and returned within seconds of each other. When we all went back to my house to hang out, they spent most of their time close together, making flirtatious eye contact, and practically cuddling on the couch. All of my friends noticed these intimate exchanges, too.

The thing is, my boyfriend isn’t really my boyfriend officially, though we have had conversations about being “exclusive.” We’re best friends first, so if he’s gay or bisexual, I’ll deal with it, but I don’t understand why he’s hiding it from me.

Am I being paranoid? Should I talk to him about this? Is he flirting with this guy in front of me because he wants to get caught? I’ve already asked him if he’s gay, and he said no, so why am I obsessing over his sexuality, and how do I deal with the potential fact that the guy I love may be identifying as straight, but secretly hooking up with his male friend?

— Boys Will Be Boys?

Dear Boys,

There’s a lot happening here, made more complex by cultural norms that sort of approve of straight women hooking up with each other, but condemn any and all sexual experimentation between men. Other things that make this situation complex are his experiences in his earlier years, which don’t seem to have given him the permission to explore the differences between his sexual experiences and sexual identity.

It’s totally possible to identify as straight and still hook up with men. That’s something people do and are entitled to do as everyone’s sexuality is theirs to define. Similarly, people are entitled to identify as bisexual even if they’ve never experienced sexual acts with someone of the same or different gender. Your identity isn’t a passport, you don’t need a stamp to prove you’ve been there. But knowing this for yourself requires permission to explore, which maybe hasn’t been granted to your boyfriend.

I want to propose a different, possibly unpopular, way of looking at this situation: Rather than playing sexuality investigator and making it your mission to figure out “who he really is,” view this issue as a communication and boundaries problem. Though figuring out your boyfriend’s sexuality certainly feels important right now, it also isn’t entirely necessary to resolve your particular situation…continue reading…

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I Told My Boyfriend I’d Try Monogamy, But …

Hi Yana,

I’m in a relationship with someone who I really love and we’ve been together for three-ish months. Before we started dating he knew I wasn’t a huge fan of monogamy, but I agreed I would try and now I’m feeling trapped. He’s so important to me and I don’t want to lose him. I guess I don’t know how to talk to him about it because I want to be in an open relationship, but I’m worried he will get super mad. Help!

Oh No, I’m Monogo

Hi Oh No!,

When a monogamous person hears the telltale phrase “We should see other people,” they’re more likely to hear “I’m breaking up with you” and not “… AND keep seeing each other in an open and mutually satisfying relationship!”

Because monogamy has long been the preferred Western relationship style — what with the institution of marriage and fairytales — the monogamous mindset is a strong one that many of us take for granted. This means that when you tell your boyfriend that you want to be non-monogamous, rather than coming across as a valid, natural, or viable option, this might instead sound like a direct threat to your relationship.

A common response to emotional pain or threat is anger, especially when interpreted through male socialization. So yes, it’s possible that he may express anger when what he really feels is pain and fear. Unless this expression of anger is dangerous or abusive to you or him, it doesn’t need to be a reason to avoid stating your non-monogamous desires.

You say you don’t want to lose him, but if you decide not to tell him what is true for you, you will. Maybe not now, but certainly later.

My advice is to be both firm in what you do and do not want out of your relationship with him and also prepared with some options for him to look into for himself such as resources about polyamory from monogamous people (morethantwo.com has a whole section devoted to the complexity of navigating polyamorous/monogamous couplings). Give him the space to feel the big feelings and move through them rather than stuff them down (again, unless they are dangerous or abusive to you or himself).

Before you talk with him, sit down with yourself and determine what it is you envision for your relationship with him moving forward…continue reading…

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Clopen Relationships: Love Advice from a Polyamorous Monogamist

I’m in an open relationship. I’m certainly not the only person in a non-monogamous relationship these days; my open status doesn’t score me nearly as many cool points as it once did, nor is it as controversial as it once was. Everything I read about non-monogamy is like “Yay! So much sex! Whoopeeee!”

Meanwhile, monogamy is written about like “Snoooooze fest. Divorce says it’s not working anyway. I am bored to literal tears.”

In my personal experience — which includes a failed marriage, several long-term monogamous relationships, some epically disastrous open relationships, and my current relationship that waffles between open and closed — I’ve found that stereotypes around these storylines have left us all with some expectations that could use adjusting.

NON-MONOGAMY: You’re doing it wrong/That shit’s hard.

Four years into our relationship and one year into our marriage, my wife Chris and I decided to open our relationship. A Capricorn and an Aquarius who’d had a bi-coastal relationship for our first year, we were already cocky, low-jealousy, “sharing” types who had cracked open the door to our relationship before — allowing casual make-outs and dates with people we affectionately called “randos” we thought we would probably never see again. But this time, when we said “open relationship,” we really meant it.

Not only did we mean it, it was my idea. Chris was working as a bartender and I was working a day job in the human services industry. Our schedules were completely opposite. When I decided to retreat to the cell service-less mountains for a month to direct a youth summer camp, it became clear that Chris wanted some…company. Her co-worker Alex had been interested in Chris for a while, so she seemed like the natural choice. Wanting to focus on my own personal growth, attracted to the freedom of disappearing to summer camp without worrying about Chris’s lack of company, I jumped at the opportunity to open our relationship. I had dabbled in non-monogamy previously in more casual relationships, so it wasn’t a hard leap for me to make. The diamonds latched to my ring finger certainly helped out in the security department. And as far as Chris was concerned, she was entering into a life with a girlfriend and a wife, so things weren’t looking too shabby for her, either.

Many have written compellingly about why humans are better suited to be non-monogamous, and how to do it ethically. Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up is my personal open relationship bible. I don’t need to re-write her theories here about the non-monogamist belief that one partner can’t meet all of our needs, or how non-monogamy’s emphasis on consensual choice differentiates it from cheating. I want to talk about what it’s like to practice what writers like Taormino preach.

Sure, you can read Taormino’s book and totally agree with her theories: I don’t own my partner! She’s her own person! Society can’t put me in a box! Then one night you find yourself at home, cleaning up dog vomit after a tough work shift, while your girlfriend’s off with her other partner Hot Motorcycle Guy — and in your jealous, puppy-puke-ridden mind, they couldn’t possibly be doing anything other than feeding each other expensive steaks before having simultaneous orgasms at sunset. Suddenly monogamy starts looking real nice.

The most common pitfalls in open relationships exist in the big ol’ gap between people’s expectations of non-monogamy in theory, and the hard reality of non-monogamy in practice.

Waaaitttt, where’s all the sex?

zoolanderDespite its most prevalent stereotype, non-monogamy is not all sex, sex, sex, but is actually mostly talk, talk, talk. Compared to monogamy, there aren’t as many predetermined rules of open relationships, so you’ve gotta make your own.

Many do this by designing a “relationship contract,” a verbal or written understanding of agreed-upon relationship boundaries. At first, this sounds really fun and cool, but once you start considering one, two, or ten other people’s wants, needs, insecurities, and boundaries, suddenly there’s not enough paper in the world. Throw in post-date check-ins and multiple PMS schedules and you’ll find your mouth isn’t exactly being used for the things you were hoping for.

When deciding on the structure of my non-monogamous relationship with Chris, I did what any studious, anal-retentive writer would: I assigned Alex and Chris Taormino’s book as required reading and created a due date for a draft of their hopes, dreams, and boundaries for our little arrangement. Once the assignments were completed, we scheduled a meeting with the three of us.

Pre-meet-up, Chris and I hashed out our own terms, separate from Alex: “Don’t take our dog to the park with her, because he’s like our kid” and “I don’t care how busy you are with your girlfriend and your wife, you still need to do your share of dishes and laundry.” By the time the three of us met at a cafe to hammer out the details of who got Saturday as a date night, we had put in what felt like a semester’s worth of open relationship homework. Terms were laid out, vetoed, negotiated and agreed upon. We had five typed pages when we were done.

Contract be damned, you’re just not psychic.

It’s crucial to get specific when building your relationships agreements (Who’s on-/off-limits? What activities are okay? Romantic dates? Just sex? Can you only have one-night stands, or can you date someone continuously? Will you kiss and tell or would you prefer ignorant bliss?). But you can’t predict the future.

Many newbie non-monogamists try to to build a contract by envisioning themselves in every possible scenario and conjuring up every possible emotional reaction. But it’s impossible to prevent occasional yuck in any relationship, especially an open one. Making your intentions clear and your agreements mutual and consensual is your strongest defense, and the contract process is a valuable one. But still, feelings will get hurt.

Spoiler alert: Chris and I got divorced six months after opening our relationship to Alex for reasons both related and unrelated to their extramarital canoodling. More recently, I’ve gotten back on the non-monogamy horse I fell off of with Chris, and am now on the other side of an open relationship with my current girlfriend, Sage. Our relationship door opened specifically to a friend of mine, Sebastian, who I wanted to casually sleep with a couple times a week. Busy at a new, demanding job, Sage wasn’t interested in pursuing outside sex with others, so we jumped into negotiating the terms of my sleeping with Sebastian while continuing to date Sage.

Things were different this time around. More fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants than Chris and I were, Sage wanted to lay out definite “no”s for my sexual interactions with Sebastian but then adjust the terms over time, according to how she felt. Sage is a feelings-driven, on-the-spot processor and experiential learner, so this seemed to work for her and for us.

Being in an open relationship with her showed me that no matter how much you talk about or type up the situation, your feelings about what happens when it happens can and will change. Sage taught me that the hardest part of being in an open relationship isn’t my own jealousy; it is actually being present and available for your partner to express their hurt, jealousy, and other challenging feelings raised by your fun and exciting extracurriculars. Yes, feelings get hurt. So, be a compassionate and validating partner when they do.

Don’t deny Darwin.

You can’t predict how your romantic/sexual relationships are going to make you feel. Opening up your relationship with your partner with the promise that you’ll never develop loving feelings for another can lead to self-denial, confusion, and broken agreements.

This was a lesson hard-learned in both my open relationships. Simply making space for feelings to grow and change, or at least acknowledging that they might, can prevent a big mess down the line. The fear that your partner will fall in love with their secondary playmate is highest on the list for many non-monogamous types. While it’s tempting to write in big, hulking block letters on that contract “NO FALLING IN LOVE,” this puts your partner (and yourself) in a bind.

The evolution of desire is a natural and chemical part of human sexual interaction. Falling in love is an organic, uncontrollable process. Asking your partner to control the uncontrollable can lead to guilt, resentment, shame, and, in some instances, bad behavior. Listing falling in love under the “Deal-Breakers” column tells your partner that if they feel these feelings, they must squash them or hide them from you in order to maintain the relationship(s) at stake.

Instead, make space for all feelings to be confessed. Be willing to embrace change in your primary and secondary relationship agreements in order to maintain the balance of work put in and happiness realized for all parties involved.

Unlearn life lessons in limited love.

Seeing multiple people might sound great, but thinking about your partner(s) doing the same can be scary. It’s hard to shut off the nagging voice telling that you must not be “enough” for your partner(s).

Love and affection isn’t limited like a glass of water that can only be distributed to so many different vessels before running out. But the fear that our partner’s love comes in a limited quantity is real. Give yourself permission to voice your fears, to yourself and your partner(s).

Jealousy sucks!

The free-loving poly community will sing the jealousy-fighting kumbaya of “compersion,” loosely defined as taking joy in your partner’s sexual and romantic relationships with others. Sounds great! But when your partner comes home glowing from a hot roll in the poly-hay with someone who isn’t you, jealousy can punch you in the gut. Sometimes all of the positive reinforcement and patchouli incense in the world can’t fix it. Create self-care strategies to help ride it out, and end any relationship if the jealousy isn’t balanced with happiness.

You can still cheat, and you still shouldn’t.

Just because something’s “open” doesn’t mean anything goes. Relationship boundaries can still be violated and trust can still be broken. Don’t use openness to justify your shitty behavior. (You know who you are.)

You can still get dumped.

When fantasizing about non-monogamy, it’s exciting to think about all of the positives that can be multiplied by your multiple relationships — orgasms! dates! emotional support! another set of hands to make grilled cheese sandwiches! Non-monogamy’s indulgence of all your hard-ons and heart-ons can make for lots of sex, love, loving sex, sexy love and all the other terms you wanna slap on your sweet time with your sweeties. But multiple relationships can also present multiple opportunities for heartache and heartbreak.

Sage and I had finally normalized Sebastian’s role in my life as a close friend and casual sex partner. We had finally stopped talking each other in circles about polyamorous theories, our fears, our jealously contingency plans, and who would walk the dogs on Sebastian’s Date Nights. Mere days after, Sebastian decided to take himself out of the equation. I didn’t blame him — having your friend ask you if you want to be part of her open lesbian relationship (but only on specific nights of the week, and only when her girlfriend gives the green light) was a lot to ask. Being asked to do all of this and not form any emotional attachment was another request entirely. So, I got dumped.

Getting dumped by a secondary partner is a strange experience. You would think their secondary nature might lessen the impact of getting dumped, but it doesn’t, not entirely. I cried on my couch in the dark for one dramatic minute, and then fought the impulse to call Sage and indulge the selfish wish of leaning on her because I had sad feelings about someone else.

Eventually, Sage and I talked about it, Sebastian and I talked about it, and once again, non-monogamy became more talk, talk, talk than sex, sex, sex. Sebastian and I remain friends without the sex, and Sage and I remain somewhere between non-monogamous-by-theory and monogamous-by-practice.

MONOGAMY: You Can Still Be Progressive. Promise.

For the majority, monogamy is the cultural de facto: boy marries girl, boy never flirts at work or masturbates in the shower or even thinks about watching porn because girl is all boy will ever need. There are also 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. De facto monogamy doesn’t acknowledge the possibility of non-monogamy. It was built on social constructions and is supported by laws involving tax breaks and idiots fighting against marriage equality. It’s notorious for ending in cheating, divorce, child custody battles, and jealousy-induced violence.

Because monogamy is “just the way things go,” we rarely think about it as a specific relationship style that we can choose (or not) with its own positives and negatives. When explored in terms of what a couple wants, instead of what a couple should do, a closed relationship or “chosen monogamy” can be just as intentionally constructed and progressive as an open relationship. While tired phrases like “the old ball-and-chain” put monogamy’s apparent drawbacks up front, monogamy has its perks:

Less time wasted with the green-eyed monster

Jealousy crops up in every relationship, but it’s a larger, more persistent beast within open ones. Constantly processing your value to your partner while they’re out on dates with others is emotionally draining. If you’re monogamous, you can save your jealousy for your best friend’s new car or your co-worker’s promotion instead.

More focused free time

Polyamory preaches that “love is limitless.” But time isn’t. Having one partner is high-maintenance enough. Once you’ve got several relationships the calendar really starts filling up. When practicing monogamy, the amount of extra time I have for yoga, schoolwork, and sleep is borderline-magical.

It’s cost-effective

Having a weekly date night with three partners is just downright pricey. Plus, if you love being spoiled like yours truly, it’s nice having all of your partner’s resources instead of a measly third.

Fewer trips to the clinic

Monogamous sex isn’t inherently safer sex, but having one partner does mean there are fewer variables to consider in the safer-sex element of your life.

We heart stability

Humans are habitual creatures. We like to order the same double latte at the same cafe every day, and sometimes we like to have the same person to have dinner, sex, and vacations with. Especially if you’re a busy professional, dealing with personal or family illness, or just love alone time, you might have other priorities besides juggling multiple, moving pieces in your romantic/sexual sphere.

Since Sage and I have found ourselves back in Monogamyville, we haven’t talked much about leaving it, aside from casual jokes made about making my two-hour commute to graduate school easier by finding a partner in my school’s state to spend the night with (after all, sex and practicality are two of my favorite things). While I’m sure we’ll eventually return to non-monogamy, the hustle-and-bustle of grad school, dog care, demanding day jobs, and oh yeah, finding some alone time in the midst of it all makes monogamy the best choice for us at this particular time.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP ADVENTURE

The truth is, all relationships — open, closed, or slightly ajar — have the potential to exist somewhere on the ever-sliding scale between totally blissed out and totally fucked up. While it’s easy to imagine an open relationship exploding into a tearful tornado of jealousy, self-doubt, and hurled iPhones, anyone who’s ever been monogamous can certainly say the same.

Instead of blindly following the age-old monogamous screenplay laid out for us by our parents, movies, and tax structure, we can consciously commit to one person in a way that works for us, because we want to. Instead of being up on our “evolved” polyamorous hipster high horses, unaccountably sleeping with half the town in the name of the New Age without any thought to the real feelings of our multiple partners, let’s look at both open and closed relationships as two equally valid, messy, complex choices. Then, let’s all make our relationship choices with a strong commitment to the happiness of ourselves and our partner(s), whether we’ve got one or one hundred.

 

Originally published on The Toast: 

Clopen Relationships: Love Advice from a Polyamorous Monogamist

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I Want a (Not Too) Open Relationship

Hi Yana!

I’m a lady in a happy, healthy, committed relationship with a man. We have a good sex life but my sex drive is much higher than his.

I’m also really into girls and have wanted to ask him for a long time how he would feel if I was Friends With Benefits with another girl. The idea excites me, but I’m really nervous to open up to him about this.

I’m afraid that he might propose an open relationship but I’m not down with that. I feel like me being intimate with another female is different than him being intimate with another female.

Is that hypocritical and selfish of me? How do couples talk about these things? If I take the plunge and all goes smoothly, where does a lady find another lady in the Pioneer Valley who shares similar desires?

— Slightly Ajar

Dear SA,

I hear this a lot when I talk to people about open or otherwise non-monogamous relationships: “I’d love to do that if I was the only one sleeping with/dating others” or “I could never let my partner sleep with/date someone else. I’d be way too jealous.”

While people can easily imagine the value of having both a committed relationship and outside sexual partners for themselves, they’re unable to trust that their partner could do the same without leaving them. No one ever says, “I could never be non-monogamous; I’m afraid I would leave my partner for my fuck-buddy.” Put clearly: fulfilling our own sexual diversity sounds swell, but when it’s our own vulnerability, the stakes are suddenly too high to bear.

Monogamous/non-monogamous pairings like you’re proposing above do exist. Couples can decide to do this for a number of reasons, such as one person being bisexual and the other not, or one person is living with a sex-life-impeding illness, or there’s an extreme difference in sex drives. But these structures aren’t about one person being “allowed” to sleep with others and the other being “forbidden” from doing so — they succeed because it’s the arrangement that both partners want.

One of the major myths supporting monogamy is that our partner’s commitment to us is synonymous with our control over them. Any relationship needs to be a positive choice for the people in the relationship in order for it to be healthy and happy. “Positive” meaning that it brings all involved more joy than pain and “choice” meaning it’s comprised of autonomous people choosing to commit to each other…continue reading…