My BF is Pushing for Polyamory

My partner and I have been together for five months. He wants to be polyamorous, specifically to have sex and be in relationships with other women. He recently got out of a long term relationship so he doesn’t really want to be in a serious relationship now, but we’ve grown to be close friends and more. We make each other very happy.

I told him I would bring a third into our relationship, but he doesn’t want that. I’m not just afraid of losing him — knowing that he’s having sex with other women significantly decreases my desire to have sex with him. He’s being very supportive and caring and won’t do anything until I’m truly okay with it.

It’s really hard for me to not see this as a fault of my own. I feel extremely attached to him and feel like I have to detach myself in order for me to be okay with this. I feel like it’s too soon in our relationship, that we don’t have a stable enough foundation to be seeing other people. But knowing he doesn’t want to be in a relationship makes me feel like I’m holding him hostage.

The beginning of your letter includes the phrase “we make each other very happy,” but your sign-off sends a much different message. I’ve had all kinds of relationships from polyamorous to monogamous and each has its joys and challenges. I’ve seen polyamorous relationships flourish with a lot of work and dedication, but never without difficult self-examination. The only healthy non-monogamous relationships I’ve seen survive honor each partner’s needs and happiness, with the benefits outweighing the challenges.

It seems like you have some weighing to do yourself. Neither of you is wrong for desiring a certain relationship style: you’re not less enlightened for wanting monogamy and he isn’t careless for wanting polyamory. But you have to honor each other’s boundaries.

His boundaries include: I want to have sex and relationships with other women. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I want to be supportive and caring of you.

Your boundaries include: I want to feel valued. I don’t want to feel like I’m holding my partner hostage. I have to detach myself from and don’t desire sex with a partner who wants to sleep with others…continue reading…


Gimme That Grass-Fed Porn

My wife and I have previously been pretty conservative when it comes to sex and not super-adventurous. Recently we realized our marriage would be better served by us servicing each other. The journey has been great and fun and messy and awkward … but mostly great.

We are against people being used, abused or manipulated without their consent, so for a long time that kept us from pornography, which we felt is not always the nicest business to actors and actresses.

We’ve come across a lot of research that shows women who watch porn, or couples who watch porn together, have some amazing benefits to the relationship: greater sexual satisfaction, more happiness, feelings of togetherness — all the things we all want. But what are some good porn companies and films? By good, I mean the organic, grass-fed, free-range beef of porn?

Well, you nailed it. Here in the Valley, we like our groceries in hemp tote bags, our kale served with (gluten-free) soil, and our porn organically orgasmic.

The good news is this kind of porn is both possible, readily available, and hot.

In the past, I’ve written a lot about what I call “feminist porn.” Whether or not you’re into that particular F-word, feminist porn has a lot to offer women, couples, queer folk, and anyone else looking for a pornographic viewing experience different than the drugged-up wham-bam that pops up after a basic “porn” Google search.

Yes, traditional porn isn’t always the nicest to its performers. Yes, several studies show great benefits to individuals’ and couples’ sexual self esteem, closeness and satisfaction via enjoying porn. And yes, you can stand against manipulation, abuse and non-consent and still get off to porn! Continue reading…