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How Do I Make My Orgasms Come Back?

Dear Yana,

I’m a single woman in my late twenties, with no relationships on the horizon. But that’s OK, because I have a super intense, cordless Hitachi that I’m in love with.

Problem is, recently, whenever I have attempted to reach orgasm, it never comes. I get the brink, right before the fall, but I’m just stuck. This has happened with lovers in the past; one even suggested it was a problem with not being able to “let go.”

Perhaps I am not relaxing enough when I masturbate. What are some tips, tricks, or techniques to have that incredible, solo experience?

— Absent Orgasms

Dear Absent,

I’m laughing a little at your partner’s (I’m sure well-meaning) suggestion to “let go” seeing as that is technically what an orgasm is, after all — a build-up followed by a release. It’s almost like your partner was like “Honey, have you tried just having an orgasm?”

I kid, but really, please let this sex columnist and educator tell you that nobody (not even your partner, not even me) can tell you the key to finding and experiencing your own sexual satisfaction. But, I can give you some suggestions to try out!

From your question, it sounds like you’ve been able to orgasm in the past and it’s only recently that the Os have hit the skids. This can be for a variety of reasons — new medications (especially antidepressants), new stress levels, new major life events, etc. Emily Nagoski’s free desire brakes/gas pedal worksheets (thedirtynormal.com) can help assess environmental, relational, and personal factors that may be impacting your current experiences of desire and pleasure.

In my opinion, with the rumbly, reliable, powerful Hitachi, you’re armed with the perfect tool for the titillating task at hand. But I find myself wondering how many laps you’re taking around the brink before attempting to push yourself over the orgasmic edge. Meaning, do you turn the Hitachi on high, make clitoral contact, and then smash the gas pedal straight to the finish line? Or do you take time with yourself to build up anticipation? Experiment with bringing yourself close to the tipping point of orgasm and then backing off on sensation…continue reading…

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Bad Vibes: Am I too sensitive for toys?

Dear Yana,

I want a new vibrator. The problem is that my body is SO sensitive that even the first setting on all of them are way too intense for me. I could do it manually, but I’m lazy. Advice?
— Vibrators Can Buzz Off

Dear Buzz Off,
First thing’s first: your body and how it experiences pleasure is never a problem! The various accoutrements available to us via the adult industry are there to enhance our pleasure and amusement, not rate us on a scale of normal-to-freakshow or perfect-to-broken. We all just need to learn how to find the right products for us.

For a long while one of my dirtiest secrets was that though I wrote about and sold vibrators for a living, I actually didn’t much like them myself. For the longest time I thought to myself “I’m just too sensitive,” as my clitoris would recoil from the slightest brush of a cutesy lil’ pink plastic vibe like a dental filling biting down on a ball of tinfoil.

Then I was benevolently gifted the rechargeable, wireless Hitachi Magic Wand. (#blessed.) This sleek beast of a toy is anything, but dainty — if the Hitachi is a grizzly bear, for example, that lil’ pink thing is a beanie baby. The Hitachi is an old-school sex toy made famous by its settings that range from Jackhammer to Jackhammer-Plus. The Magic Wand is not for the faint-of-clit. And yet, my “oh-so-sensitive body” loves it.

Though I generally like to think that I’m special, I’m certainly not in this case. It’s not that my body has changed or that my clitoris has somehow become a tougher bad-ass. It’s more that I finally understand the difference between a “buzzy” vibrator and a “rumbly” vibrator. And twat a difference it is.

This brings us to second things second: Not all vibrators are created equally. And this is especially true in the motor department. A “buzzy” vibrator versus a “rumbly” vibrator isn’t about the strength of the vibration, but the quality of it.

Most vibrators are buzzy. Cheap motors operated by batteries tend to characterize these guys, with a vibration frequency that feels like a fly buzzing in your ear or when you lightly push your lips together and hum. Clitorally, this can translate to numbness, over-intensity, one-note sensation and yes — the feeling that you might just hate vibrators. Put with the perfect bluntness sex toy blogger Hey Epiphora (heyepiphora.com) is known for: “Buzzy vibrators are a menace to society.”…continue reading…

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Is There Life After the ‘Magic Wand’?

Hi Yana,

My wife loves her [Hitachi] Magic Wand I got her. I’d like something else to use together. I have been looking at the [NJoy] Pure Wand or [a vibrator] by JimmyJane.

From some of the reviews I’ve read about the Pure Wand, it seems like this could possibly be a very wet adventure. Do you find this to be true in most cases? She has vaginally ejaculated on her own a few times with the Magic Wand, but we have yet to replicate this together. Any tips on using the Pure Wand? I’d love to be able to give her the wildest orgasm she’s had!

— Best Husband Ever

Dear BHE,

Lately I’ve been asking myself: Is there life after the rechargeable, wireless (formerly branded as Hitachi) Magic Wand?

I’ve spent my entire sex educator career avoiding absolutes. I’ll never call anything the best or the worst sex toy, sex position, or sex tip. Sex, sexuality, pleasure, and the human sexual experience are all way too fluid, varied, and unique to be setting ourselves up like that. I talk about things in some/many/most frames: some people vaginally ejaculate, many people get yeast infections from using lube with glycerin in it, most clitoral orgasms are achieved via direct, consistent stimulation rather than via vaginally penetrative sex.

For the majority of my sex-having life I’ve been a walking example of this some/many/most rule; I never liked using vibrators on my own clitoris. I write about vibrators constantly, have taken countless for test-drives, but I just never liked using them in my personal sex life.

And then came the rechargeable, wireless Magic Wand. And then came I. A bunch.

For people like myself and your girlfriend it’s hard to diversify when this latest, improved, multi-speed, pulsation-pattern-packed version of the classic Magic Wand (MW) is just sitting at your bedside, blinking its little green charged light like “Use me. Use me. Use me.”…continue reading…