The V-Spot: My BF Won’t Go Down on Me

Hi Yana,

My boyfriend refuses to go down on me. As a bisexual woman who has been in long term relationships with women, it’s something I miss. I bring it up and he gets defensive about it. I’m always down to give the blow jobs and don’t believe in not doing so just because he doesn’t go down on me.

He’s tight lipped about why he isn’t interested in it. He makes it seem like we would have to be together for a long time before he does, but it has been over six months — and we live together. Any suggestions?

— Left Bi & Dry

Dear Bi & Dry,

Tight lipped, eh? Sounds like he’s not the only one!

Without much background information, I’m left with a few questions that’ll determine my advice:

1.) What has he done to make it seem like he wants you two to have more relationship history before going down on you? Did he say this outright? Or are his answers vague; he mentions “trust” and “knowing each other better,” but does not offer any idea of what that might look like?

2.) How have you brought it up with him? Is it in a way that warrants his defensive reaction? Or are you approaching this from a perspective that truly wants to understand his aversion to going down?

3.) And then finally: Has he NEVER gone down on you ever in your entire relationship? Or is this a new, sudden, or gradual change?

In my experience, both personal and professional, someone’s resistance to performing oral sex (beyond they simply don’t care for it) is usually about:

1.) Gendered, social sex education that expects women to perform oral sex on men. (Need an example? Let’s play a game and count the number of magazine cover stories this month that feature an article about BJs and compare them to the cover stories run about cunnilingus. Meanwhile, men don’t get the social message that “Being a Good Lover = Providing Oral Sex” pounded into their heads, so some may feel less urgency/“off the hook” about it.

2.) Bad sexual experience with performing oral sex…continue reading…


The Cunnilingus Countdown: 7 Suggestions for a Good Lickin’

Chowing down on fish tacos, munching carpet, dining beneath the bridge, yodeling in the love canyon, lapping the labia – whatever you want to call it, cunnilingus is one of the staples of lesbian sex (and hello – any sex involving a vagina!).curveicecream-ea19b5e0

As the sheer plethora of slang goes to show, being able to tackle the tongue-wash is an essential tool for the queer girl to have in her…box. Yet this quintessential lesbian sex act is rarely talked about thanks to the trickle-down effect of overly heteronormative ideas of what “counts as sex” (a.k.a penis-in-vagina) which dictates what kind of sex education we get (a.k.a. diddly squat).

Here to supplement your lick-luster sex ed are 7 things to count down to killer cunnilingus that’ll make sure you’re lickin’ good before you go (down).

7. Look before you lap: Pleasuring another’s pussy is a lot like putting together a puzzle – something you wouldn’t opt to do in the dark. So why hit the lights when licking your lover? Watch where you’re going, bask in her box’s beauty, and score extra points by letting her know how cute her kitty really is.

6. Speak up before you go down: In the wise words of Diana Cage in her book Lesbian Sex Bible, “You cannot have a conversation and eat pussy at the same time. Of course, many lesbians have tried, but all of them have failed”.
It’s awfully hard to communicate with a mouth full of muff and yet communication is key when it comes to consent and pleasure. So, ask your sweetie questions about her sweet-spots before you start tasting her sugar and verbally check in well before she starts heading to the peak of her climactic candy mountain…continue reading on…


Lickety Split About Going Down: My boyfriend won’t lick my sundae

This week I was feeling split about what kind of advice to give to a reader about her boyfriend’s hesitancy to go down on her. So I called in the big feyonce guns to lend me a dude’s opinion.

Find Patrick’s advice here and my boring old advice in this week’s column (posted below) and in the back page of The Valley Advocate as always.

Feeling inclined to do the Yes/No/Maybe list with your bae? Find it here!


The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Won’t Lick My Sundae

I’ve been seeing a wonderful man for about a year and a half and I feel like I’ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

Here’s the problem: He isn’t a very sexual person and won’t perform oral sex on me. He says he never has on any of his previous girlfriends and they never asked for it.

He says he’s actually sickened by going down there orally.

I’m clean, healthy, well-groomed and a very sexual person. I go down on him all the time and enjoy it. He feels bad that he can’t do this for me and I feel bad asking him to do something that makes him feel gross.

We have very traditional sex and it’s satisfying — we both come — but I always want more. I’ve begged him for anal and he tried it and didn’t like it.

In the past I’ve had great sex with jerks I want no future with. And then I have boring sex with nice people who want long-term. I don’t want to throw away our relationship because of one thing, but I’m afraid I’ll end up resenting him. He’s against an open relationship. Any advice?

I’d be split about this lackluster labia-licking situation if I were you, too. In fact, without being able to sit and talk to you both, I’ve been pretty lickety split about how to advise you.

I want to tell you to stop eating his banana split if he won’t eat your sundae.

On the flip side, I hate yogurt. This isn’t a sexual metaphor — I seriously despise yogurt. I gag at the sight of it. If my boyfriend told me that my eating yogurt was the only way he would feel sexually fulfilled, I know I couldn’t do it. Continue reading…