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Fretting Over My First Vibrator

Hey Yana,

I would like to buy either a dildo or vibrator for me but I have no experience on what to buy in terms of brand or what type for my first sex toy. What would you suggest to be the best sex toy to purchase to start with?

— Fretting Over My First Vibrator Dear FOFV,

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: You’ll never find a vibrator that everyone loves. Your vagina, your clitoris and your turn-ons are all as unique as tiny little X-rated snowflakes. So, though I wish I could just give you the name of The One, I can’t; you and your dirty bits are the only ones with the power to do that. But I can send you in the right direction.

First, a sex nerd moment: Though these terms are often used interchangeably, a dildo is intended for penetration only and usually resembles a flesh-and-blood penis or a candy-colored version of something like it. A vibrator is intended primarily for external, clitoral stimulation. What makes this confusing is that sometimes dildos come with little bullet vibrators lodged in the base to add a subtle buzz. More confusing-making is that vibrators come in many shapes, from little metallic bullets to slender plastic wands, as well as insertable silicone shapes that look an awful lot like dildos, indeed.

Dildo or vibrator — it’s up to you which one you want. But what I’m assuming you want and recommending you get is a vibrator that gives you the option to penetrate. This brings us to our first rule of first-time-toys: Variety, variety, variety. Get a vibrator with multiple speeds and, if you can swing it, multiple pulsation patterns so you can experiment with what works for you — fast, slow, pulsing, consistent, with penetration, or without. As we’ve established, one size never fits all when it comes to sex so it’s important to get a toy that lets you customize…continue reading…

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Fretting Over My First Time


I’m a 17-year-old virgin. My partner and I tried having sex, but we couldn’t get it in. I went to the doctor for contraception and I asked her why we couldn’t get it in. She said that I needed to relax; how the hell do I relax?! During sex (or trying to) I wasn’t worried. I was a bit daunted by it because I had no sexual experience — none, nada, nothing! Do you have any advice on how I can relax?

Secondly, I’ve never given oral. I want to try everything at least once. In my head I think, “I can totally do this, I’m fine, I’ll just go for it,” but when I was in the situation where I could give him oral, I couldn’t do it. I think at best, I’m worried about the taste. I’m also worried about whether he’ll like it or not, or whether it’ll accidentally brush against my teeth. Do you have any advice on how I might overcome this? Or any advice on giving head?

When I’m not writing this column, I’m teaching workshops about sex and consent. Teaching these workshops to youth has made one thing clear: Teens are getting a lot of confusing and inaccurate information about sex. Most problematically, movies, porn, and music rarely portray anyone talking to each other about the sex they’re having.

So, you’re taking great first steps towards your first time by including visiting your doctor, discussing contraception (Please also discuss STI/STD protection with your doctor and partner), voicing your worries, and seeking reliable information.

Here’s my best advice for all your questions: Talk with your partner. This sounds simple, but it works wonders and is No. 1 on the list of things-I-wish-I’d-done-differently-my-first-time amongst adults…continue reading…