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My 2-Minute Orgasm

So, I was masturbating last night and set a timer. It took me under two minutes to orgasm. However, when someone else in involved, it takes forever or doesn’t happen at all. I can count the times it’s happened on two hands.

Every time I masturbate it’s like clockwork, and I wish I could experience that with a partner! I’ve heard from various ladies and witnessed firsthand that orgasming seems easier for them with partners than it is for me. Is this why some women fake orgasms? Is this something I need to see a psychiatrist about or just live with? Or is it some Kinsey situation where my vaginal measurements aren’t conducive to orgasming? Help!

— Clit Out of Luck

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, probably for the rest of my sex educator career: your vagina is not broken! It’s the metaphorical vaginal “user manual” we’re handed via school sex ed, social stigma, and our peers!

That manual is seriously flawed – it’s stained, ripped, even missing whole chapters. Our current sex education system pretends that our clitoral and/or vaginal orgasm is unimportant or non-existent. Our social system convinces our sexual partners that asking us outright how best to pleasure our clits and vaginas is not the sexy or slick or cool thing to do. Simultaneously, this same system shames us into not speaking up about our own desires or how exactly to do our bodies right.

Yes, these flawed systems are why some women fake orgasms. Yes, these systems have convinced you that you have to see a psychiatrist to “fix” yourself and/or smoosh yourself into an outdated concept of “ideal vaginal measurements,” a la Kinsey.

But you, COOL, are perfect! Your experience of sexual pleasure is perfect. Your two-minute self-curated climax is perfect.

So, if our formal and social sex educational systems are screwing it up so hard, who’s supposed to do the real educating about your orgasms to your partners, COOL?…continue reading…

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My GF Won’t Let Me Butter Her Toast

In your recent columns you’ve mentioned the need for sex partners to have a supply of artificial lubrication at the ready. With regard to female sex partners, artificial lubrication isn’t always needed. My first girlfriend was a gushing fountain of natural juiciness the moment we puckered up. My present girlfriend, well, we could do foreplay for a month of Sundays — not that I mind — and she would remain bone dry. So, it depends on the person.

My question is, how can I convince my girlfriend to use an artificial lubricant? She remains adamantly opposed whenever I bring up the subject.

It’s true: I constantly preach that “wetter is better.” I recommend lube for everything: vaginal sex, definitely anal sex, to use with toys (no silicone lube with silicone toys), partnered sex, solo sex — hell, even on a squeaky door hinge. Maybe someone doesn’t need lube if, (as you describe so, erm, vividly) she’s a “gushing fountain of natural juiciness.” But you also don’t need ketchup with fries, frosting with cupcakes, or chocolate syrup on your ice cream sundae. But why wouldn’t you want it?

Well, unlike frosting, women’s vaginas — and how they do or do not naturally self-lubricate — comes with a lot of baggage, and so the “need” for lube is viewed as a weakness. And because of this social self-buttering ideal, many women feel “holier than thou” for not slathering the ol’ Land-o-Lakes on their English muffins. Like they’ve achieved something grand by eating dry toast for breakfast every morning even though the jam is right there. Sound like your girlfriend?

She’s not alone. Lube-avoiders have endless excuses: I’m too young to be dry. It’ll make the condom slip off. It’s not natural. But I’m totally attracted to my partner…continue reading…