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The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Just Won’t

Hi Yana!

I am a 21-year-old cisgender female living with my partner of 1.5 years. I’ll make it simple: a partner has never been able to make me orgasm. Either I do it solo or I do all the work for myself during sex with a partner.

My partner and I communicate about sex all the time and I enjoy sex with him otherwise. I’ve tried a number of ways to ask him to put in a little more effort in making me feel good and he still doesn’t really try. His excuses are that I take too long to climax, he doesn’t feel like it, etc.

Am I ever going to be sexually satisfied? I love this man and plan to spend my life with him … but I feel like I’m settling in the sex department. Am I doomed to a life of masturbation?

During conversation about the topic I try my best not to make him feel inadequate but he makes me feel like there’s something wrong with my body by his reactions. I understand orgasm isn’t necessarily the most important part of sex but will I ever be able to effortlessly lay back and let another person take me to that level?

I appreciate your advice,

-Very Anticlimactic

Dear Anticlimactic,

Let’s talk numbers for a minute. The University of Chicago did a study that found that 31 percent of female participants had never felt an orgasm. Seventy-one percent of women surveyed for the same study reported that they did not consistently orgasm with a (in this study, male) partner.

Over 70 percent of people with vaginas require direct, consistent clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm — period. Whether that’s alone or with a partner. And the vast majority necessitate at least 20-30 minutes of clitoral stimulation of some kind before reaching climax. That number can get shorter as we get more familiar with our own bodies, our partners, and our orgasm cycle but 20-30 minutes is the average.

Now that we’ve got those pesky facts out of the way that (hopefully) demonstrate that you’re not broken, slow, or alone in your orgasm experience — let’s talk about your boyfriend. First thing’s first: a sexual partner who consistently treats you in a way that makes you feel unworthy of effort, pleasure, and sexual care is … let’s go with “lacking.”

Let me be clear: a partner’s struggle to provide you with the sexual pleasure you hope for (orgasm, in this case) is 100 percent understandable, forgivable, and workable…continue reading…

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Poor Me! I’m Too Orgasmic!

Hi Yana,

I have a little bit of a problem that most people wouldn’t consider a problem, so there aren’t a lot of resources for me. I am extremely orgasmic. Now, of course, I’m grateful for this and all, but it’s to the point that I usually come like 10-plus times during partnered sex.

One drawback is, sometimes, I feel like I can’t focus as much on my partners’ pleasure when I’m experiencing all that sensation and I feel I could be having a deeper connection with them.

The other drawback is physical; when I masturbate, I can easily surpass 10 times in 10 minutes and OMG, the leg cramps can be awful.

I guess what I’m looking for is advice on how to slow down a little bit and still enjoy myself. Any thoughts?

— Overly Orgasmic Over Here

Dear OOOH,

Too orgasmic, eh? Before some of my less orgasmic readers start shredding this week’s column in order to dry your overly-pleasured tears, let us all be reminded that both suffering and pleasure are truly in the eyes (and genitalia) of the beholder.

What sexual satisfaction often boils down to is the sense of accomplishment in relation to sexpectations: If orgasm is the goal and you “achieve” it, you might feel good about the sex you just had. If slowing down and reducing your orgasms is the goal and you “achieve” that, will you feel like you’ve hit your mark? If being present in your body with your partners is the goal, regardless of orgasm, and you fail to accomplish that experience, you might leave feeling bummed about your sexy time.

So, what I’m hearing from you, OOOH, is that your personal goal is to reduce the amount of Os, and increase the quality of those Os as a way to subsequently increase the quality of your sexual interaction with partners. Let’s do it!

First, it sounds like you’re very good at knowing how to get yourself off, either solo or with partners. Cut it out. Don’t use your fav toys. Don’t get into your fav positions. Don’t even contract those pelvic muscles! Make it a game in your head, a playful and consensual power dynamic between you and your partners, or simply a personal challenge to see how long you can last without giving in to le petit mort.

Do more sex acts that focus on your partners’, rather than your own, body…continue reading…



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