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The V-Spot: Help! I’m Too F*&%$ng Nice

Hi Yana,

So, I was recently dumped. Woo!

During “the conversation,” my now-ex told me a lot of confusing reasons as to why he thought we should break up, but the one that I can’t stop thinking about: “You’re too nice.” He said that he didn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t mean to him, or how to navigate a relationship with someone who wanted to provide and care for him and take his feelings seriously.

This is the second time this has happened to me. I had an emotionally abusive ex partner who told me the same thing — he said he was craving emotional abuse and neglect because it was what he’d become accustomed to.

My question is — where do I go from here? Since this has happened to me twice with my two most significant exes, I’m declaring it a trend. I refuse to become a mean person or neglectful partner, but how do I respond to future partners who may have histories of emotional abuse and present my niceness as an issue?

—Nicey McNiceness

 

Dear Nicey McNiceness,

Dang!

So your partners are dumping you because you’re not emotionally neglecting them enough? I’m nearly stumped about this one, especially without knowing more information about the histories of these relationships, but I’ll throw out some theories and you can decide if any of them stick.

Theory One:

I call bullshit. When a relationship has run its course for at least one member of said relationship, sometimes “the conversation” as you call it is not as honest as it might’ve been if it had been a conversation that was committed to hashing it out rather than ending it.

Sometimes when a partner decides it’s time to call it quits, they may have arrived at a place of acceptance, giving up, or letting go. Therefore, the conversation tends to come out in a way that’s more about peace-keeping than airing the dirty laundry.

Meaning, maybe calling you “just too nice” is the equivalent to the famous side-step of the popular job interview question “So, what are your greatest weaknesses?”: “My greatest weakness is that I just care too much about my job,” “You’re too nice” is like saying “You’re too pretty for me to date.” Not a real reason. Just some placating B.S. used to sidestep hard truth.

Theory Two:

Maybe you ARE too nice. Are you someone that avoids conflict like the plague and says things like “Whatever you want,” “It’s fine,” and “I’m chill” when in reality you don’t feel those ways at all? Avoiding conflict via nice-ness is easily perceived as phony-ness, disingenuous, or a concrete wall of defensiveness that not even your partners can reach you through. If this resonates, you could work on how you handle conflict, but don’t forget: it takes two to tango.

Theory Three:…continue reading…

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The V-Spot: For the Love of the Uncut

Hi Yana,

I’m with a guy with an uncircumcised penis for the first time in my 16 years of being sexually active. I love how he looks, and it feels great when we can have sex. But, after three years, we haven’t been able to get into a good rhythm, sex-wise.

I’m not naturally super wet, so I’m used to using lube, but often we have to stop because he starts to tear. It’s basically almost every time that he’s either getting injured or we have to constantly reapply to the point where it completely disrupts everything and we have to give up. Oral is great, but we both wish we could explore each other in all the ways.

Water-based lube such as Yes! isn’t working, and Sliquid Organics is so-so. We’ve talked about it, and it seems a major issue is that the combo of the lube and my natural fluids are sort of quicker-drying than we need, and the mixture makes his foreskin stay painfully retracted and then it starts to tear rather than sliding like it needs to.

Do you have any recommendations for a better lube? He is on a medication that is dehydrating, but simple extra water intake isn’t enough. We love each other, but the lack of and fear of sex isn’t something we are happy with.

There’s got to be a fix to this one issue of an otherwise loving and intimate relationship, right?

—Unlubed, Uncut, Now What?

Dear Unlubed & Uncut,

You’re absolutely right — sex should feel good. Pleasurable! It shouldn’t hurt (unless intentional and consensual pain is your game, of course) and it certainly shouldn’t hurt so much that you and your partner have developed a FEAR of it, that’s for sure.

Foreskin isn’t necessarily my forte but lucky for me, I’ve got some of the best access to sex educators across the country thanks to ye ol’ secret internet groups. When I asked them what they thought about your predicament, suggestions ranged from having your partner visit a urologist to rule out any ongoing health concerns that may be affecting the elasticity of his foreskin to the most heartbreakingly difficult suggestion of all: more penis massages!!

Several educators mentioned that what can happen over time with foreskin is that the skin can lose pliability which may affect the skin’s slide no matter the quantity or quality of your natural or bottled slip. Massaging the foreskin and head of the penis with coconut oil regularly certainly can’t be THAT much of a chore and could go a long way in helping your partner’s privates maintain plasticity.

And then there’s The Butters. This lube boasts nine all-natural ingredients like coconut oil, aloe vera, and raw shea butter and is, according to the maker of this lube himself, perfectly concocted “at home with love by Jerome Stuart-Nichols in Ypsilanti, Michigan.”

This simply luscious and luxurious lubricant is all-natural, non-toxic, body-safe, and non-staining, and can be made unscented, hypoallergenic, or customized in a variety of ways just for you and your sweetie. The Butters has been making well-oiled waves since its debut in 2014 and has the sex educating likes of folks like Kitty Stryker and Emmeline Peaches saying things like “Magical,” “Fucking fantastic,” and “Creamy. Rich. Decadent.”…continue reading…