Thankfully, consent is becoming a big topic on college campuses. However, most conversations about consent overfocus on the damaging outcomes of the failure to ask for consent rather than engaging students in learning the benefits of ongoing conversations about consent and sexual pleasure.
Many campuses are offering too little too late, after-the-fact rather than ahead-of-the-act. But really, everyone can benefit from practicing sexual consent regardless of whether you’re having sex with your partner of 30 years or a hook-up: Consent is mandatory. And it can be HOT. Here are 8 tips on how to keep it consensual and sexy:
1.) Play! Give yourself permission to have fun. Understanding your enthusiastic Yeses — whether it’s trying the next kinkiest thing or abstaining from sexual contact altogether — is the first step to being prepared to give or not give your enthusiastic consent.
2.) Ask for what you want. Often, when we pointedly ask for what we want, we’re seen as selfish, greedy, or entitled. But your desires aren’t a bother and your partners should always feel and be able to say “No” to your requests. Get used to getting what you want by practicing clearly stating what you want in your everyday interactions like at shops or cafes.
3.) Accept a “no” gracefully. Often when we hear the word “No” we don’t hear what our partners are actually trying to tell us. We might hear “You’re ugly” when they mean “This is my sexual preference.” Or “You’re not good at sex” when they mean “This position kind of hurts my hip.”
Stating a boundary can be a scary thing to do. When you hear “No,” thank your partners for sharing their limits. Know that you’re valuable whether a partner says Yes or No to your requests and that you’re even more valuable when you respect their answer.
4.) Build your boundaries. When we hear the word “boundaries” it’s easy to hear “restrictions.” Giving someone a hardline No isn’t just telling them what they cannot have, but is showing them the space they do have to explore and play in.
5.) Stop trying to be “sexy.” The most pleasurable experiences in my life weren’t traditionally sexy…continue reading…
