A Dildo Built for Two

My fiancée and I just realized that we have sex, sure, but we’ve never talked about what we really wanted in sex. Toys came up and we tried my Mini Rabbit vibrator and we love it. We’ve both tried strap-ons before and neither she nor I really like them, but we do like the thought of penetrating each other. I’ve Googled and Googled dual penetrating vibes, but I’m coming up with vaginal-and-anal instead of vaginal penetration for two ladies. We like the idea of the We-Vibe, but want it to be more — just bigger, maybe? What do you suggest?

It’s definitely a penis-penetrates-vagina world out there when it comes to commercialized concepts of what sex should look like, so I’m not surprised that you and your fiancée are coming up short-and-stumpy when seeking out a doubly-vaginally-penetrating sex toy.

When Googling “couples sex toys,” you’re probably saturated with those geared towards penis-in-vagina such as the We-Vibe. This nifty little C-shaped sucker is specially designed to be “worn” during vaginal penetration; one side is inserted in the vagina, resting against the G-spot, and the other side sits outside the body, vibrating against the clitoris. The idea is that the internal side is so svelte, it can accommodate vaginal penetration by allowing whatever object is doing the penetrating to slip underneath it. It’s a great idea that doesn’t work for everyone’s individual body types, as not all C-shaped vibes fit every person’s C-spots and G-spots.

But you’re looking for a little more bone and a little less buzz. If you want to have two steamy, sleek steel trains pull into your love tunnels at Penetration Station, then what you want is a double-ended dildo.

Double-ended dildos are essentially two dildos fused together to make one dually-penetrating toy and are intended to be used hands-free and without strap-on harnesses. They’re great for your particular vagina set-up and are also perfectly suited for “pegging” (when someone with a vagina penetrates someone anally with a strap-on dildo). But you don’t want just any ol’ double-ender…continue reading…


Is It Okay to Quit Sex?

I’m a relatively young woman who enjoyed an active, above-average sex life for my entire adult life, even after the birth of my first two children. However, I found that after my last son was born, my desire for sex suddenly vanished to the degree that I can say that I could be completely happy — and even possibly happier — if I never had another sexual encounter with a partner or even alone.

This obviously poses an issue in my marriage. I know that you aren’t a doctor or anything, but I was just hoping to get your thoughts on the issue, as someone who has been involved in open sexual dialogue.

I recently wrote some tips to a new mother whose sex life was floundering in the column “New Mom Needs to Get Some.” My advice focused on finding ways to incorporate sex more creatively into their new routines as parents and to take part in non-sexual activities together to foster a more sexually charged atmosphere between them.

For you, however, MMAS, it sounds like parenting isn’t necessarily getting in the way of your sex life but that you’ve come to realize that sexual activity is no longer a priority, or possibly even a desire, for you.

I want to throw the term “asexuality” out there for you to either pick up and try on for size or to just leave on the floor if it doesn’t fit you. Asexuality is an identifier used to describe oneself as a person who does not experience sexual attraction and/or has a low or absent interest in sexual activity, considered by some as its own sexual orientation.

The research around asexuality is new, but many sex bloggers have been recently speaking to the asexual experience to bring attention to the idea that not everyone wants to have sex — gasp! To say that our culture is sexually charged would be an understatement — sex is used to sell us everything from sandals to soap. We spend truckloads of cash trying to cum and assume that we’re broken when we can’t, and obsess over how long it’s been since we’ve gotten laid. But what happens when we just don’t want to?

It’s possible, MMAS, that you just don’t want to have sex. And that’s your choice. If what you say is your truth — that you feel happier without sex — then follow your bliss. If you feel like there are underlying traumas or triggers that are preventing you from enjoying sex, then that’s something you might consider addressing with a sex-positive counselor.

The challenge here is that your sexuality and sex life are tied to another’s — your spouse’s...continue reading…


The Cunnilingus Countdown: 7 Suggestions for a Good Lickin’

Chowing down on fish tacos, munching carpet, dining beneath the bridge, yodeling in the love canyon, lapping the labia – whatever you want to call it, cunnilingus is one of the staples of lesbian sex (and hello – any sex involving a vagina!).curveicecream-ea19b5e0

As the sheer plethora of slang goes to show, being able to tackle the tongue-wash is an essential tool for the queer girl to have in her…box. Yet this quintessential lesbian sex act is rarely talked about thanks to the trickle-down effect of overly heteronormative ideas of what “counts as sex” (a.k.a penis-in-vagina) which dictates what kind of sex education we get (a.k.a. diddly squat).

Here to supplement your lick-luster sex ed are 7 things to count down to killer cunnilingus that’ll make sure you’re lickin’ good before you go (down).

7. Look before you lap: Pleasuring another’s pussy is a lot like putting together a puzzle – something you wouldn’t opt to do in the dark. So why hit the lights when licking your lover? Watch where you’re going, bask in her box’s beauty, and score extra points by letting her know how cute her kitty really is.

6. Speak up before you go down: In the wise words of Diana Cage in her book Lesbian Sex Bible, “You cannot have a conversation and eat pussy at the same time. Of course, many lesbians have tried, but all of them have failed”.
It’s awfully hard to communicate with a mouth full of muff and yet communication is key when it comes to consent and pleasure. So, ask your sweetie questions about her sweet-spots before you start tasting her sugar and verbally check in well before she starts heading to the peak of her climactic candy mountain…continue reading on…


The Rules of Attraction

I’m a single hetero guy in my 60s. Since my divorce some years ago, I haven’t dated much. What I truly want is a loving, long-term relationship with a partner and to be a loving, giving partner in return.

Here’s my problem: I’m short and not terribly good-looking (at least I don’t think so) and I realize that no matter how attractive a person’s character and values may be, or how fun they may be, if there isn’t at least a spark of physical attraction, there won’t be sexual attraction even if you might wish for it.

Whenever I find myself in the presence of a woman whom I find physically and sexually attractive, I shrivel up inside just a little, feeling, “Oh, she won’t be physically attracted to me.” Of course, this is just what can make you come across as even less potentially attractive than you might otherwise be.

Do you have advice for people who may have this problem? I had a physically and emotionally rejecting mother (working on these issues in therapy) and I know that’s got something to do with it, but when I look in the mirror, I’m not terribly happy with what I see.

Thank you for this tender question! Professional therapeutic help in working out some negative messages you may have received during your upbringing is a great step. In some ways, your thinking about this is right-on; assuming that you are not attractive or, worse yet, worthy of others’ attractions, won’t inspire attraction to you. But let’s shift some of this other negative thinking.

The consumerist culture we live in feeds off of our self-hate like a yeast infection feeds off of glycerin-laced lube. Mass media bashes us daily with limited views of beauty (in terms of body weight, height, wealth, skin color, etc.), telling us that if we exist outside of this particular, minuscule box called “beauty” we aren’t deserving (of attention, jobs, happiness, sex) and therefore we should buy, buy, buy in order to “fix” ourselves. You aren’t broken, Shy Guy — the way we’re taught to assign sexual value to our appearance is.

So let’s talk about physical attraction and sexual attraction. What we consider to be physically attractive in other humans is evolutionarily informed, with multiple studies showing the importance of subconscious influences such as a person’s smell, hormonal cycle, body posture, and facial symmetry to our level of attraction to them.

A 2014 study found positive personality traits to have an influence, too, when 120 participants rated photographs of female faces in neutral expressions as more attractive when associated with positive personality descriptions like “kind,” “honest,” “funny.”

Then, there’s sexual attraction, which you have mixed up with both physical attraction and simply wishing for it to be so. Come As You Are author Emily Nagoski has done incredible work to show the difference between desire and sexual response. Her Dual Control Model is digestibly illustrated in a comic by Erica Moen on, showing the difference between our sexual response’s gas pedal (physical attractiveness, trusting your partner, falling in love) and brake (body image, trauma history). …continue reading on…



Can you be a feminist and like rough sex?

Slapping, choking, spitting — if a woman gets off on a little consensual degradation in the bedroom, does that make her less of a feminist?

Many women who demand equal pay by day and harder spanks by night wake up feeling conflicted (and a little bruised) about their two favorite F-words: feminism and fucking.

Almost every version of feminism has been hell-bent on equalizing power structures and fighting gender-based oppression. But those feminists who are also hell-bent on bending over in the bedroom — using those very same power structures to get off — may be faced with questions about whether or not their political walk matches their pillow talk.

“I love being spat on during sex,” says Zoe, a 28-year-old graduate student I’m sipping espressos with. “The nastier the spit, the better. Does that make me a bad feminist? Do I need to burn all of my Audre Lorde books? Give back my Smith College degree?” She tosses aside a lock of hair as she laughs at the ridiculousness of her own rhetorical questions. I wonder how many times she’s caught a loogie.

Of the 1,500+ self-described “kinky” women Jennifer Eve Rehor studied in 2011, the majority were found to have participated in “at least one of the following activities for their own sensual or erotic pleasure: physical humiliation, deprivation, punishment (physical), breath play, obedience/training, verbal abuse/humiliation, other forced activities and service-oriented submission/domestic service.” They did so in the role of the receptive or submissive partner.

For the record, the dominant partner(s) needn’t be male in these scenarios. Nor does rough sex necessarily imply penis-vagina intercourse. Feminist women can and do experiment with power structures well beyond male-female play.

In the past few years, women have both devoured countless (controversial) copies of 50 Shadesand rallied around Beyonce’s “Flawless” definition of feminist.

But what does this mean for our real, kinky sex lives? How does getting flogged contribute to our feminist ways? How can we create kinky sex lives that are both feminist and degrading instead of just plain degrading?…continue reading on…



Clopen Relationships: Love Advice from a Polyamorous Monogamist

I’m in an open relationship. I’m certainly not the only person in a non-monogamous relationship these days; my open status doesn’t score me nearly as many cool points as it once did, nor is it as controversial as it once was. Everything I read about non-monogamy is like “Yay! So much sex! Whoopeeee!”

Meanwhile, monogamy is written about like “Snoooooze fest. Divorce says it’s not working anyway. I am bored to literal tears.”
Woman fed up of partner
In my personal experience — which includes a failed marriage, several long-term monogamous relationships, some epically disastrous open relationships, and my current relationship that waffles between open and closed — I’ve found that stereotypes around these storylines have left us all with some expectations that could use adjusting.

NON-MONOGAMY: You’re doing it wrong/That shit’s hard.

Four years into our relationship and one year into our marriage, my wife Chris and I decided to open our relationship. A Capricorn and an Aquarius who’d had a bi-coastal relationship for our first year, we were already cocky, low-jealousy, “sharing” types who had cracked open the door to our relationship before — allowing casual make-outs and dates with people we affectionately called “randos” we thought we would probably never see again. But this time, when we said “open relationship,” we really meant it.

Not only did we mean it, it was my idea. Chris was working as a bartender and I was working a day job in the human services industry. Our schedules were completely opposite. When I decided to retreat to the cell service-less mountains for a month to direct a youth summer camp, it became clear that Chris wanted some…company. Her co-worker Alex had been interested in Chris for a while, so she seemed like the natural choice. Wanting to focus on my own personal growth, attracted to the freedom of disappearing to summer camp without worrying about Chris’s lack of company, I jumped at the opportunity to open our relationship. I had dabbled in non-monogamy previously in more casual relationships, so it wasn’t a hard leap for me to make. The diamonds latched to my ring finger certainly helped out in the security department. And as far as Chris was concerned, she was entering into a life with a girlfriend and a wife, so things weren’t looking too shabby for her, either.

Many have written compellingly about why humans are better suited to be non-monogamous, and how to do it ethically. Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up is my personal open relationship bible. I don’t need to re-write her theories here about the non-monogamist belief that one partner can’t meet all of our needs, or how non-monogamy’s emphasis on consensual choice differentiates it from cheating. I want to talk about what it’s like to practice what writers like Taormino preach.

Sure, you can read Taormino’s book and totally agree with her theories: I don’t own my partner! She’s her own person! Society can’t put me in a box! Then one night you find yourself at home, cleaning up dog vomit after a tough work shift, while your girlfriend’s off with her other partner Hot Motorcycle Guy — and in your jealous, puppy-puke-ridden mind, they couldn’t possibly be doing anything other than feeding each other expensive steaks before having simultaneous orgasms at sunset. Suddenly monogamy starts looking real nice.

The most common pitfalls in open relationships exist in the big ol’ gap between people’s expectations of non-monogamy in theory, and the hard reality of non-monogamy in practice…continue reading…


Bugged About Body Hair

As of last year, I love my body hair. I especially like my pubic hair because I can style it, usually depending on my mood: totally unshaven, as a strip, but rarely fully shaven. However, I’ve noticed that when I have the chance to get intimate with someone, I shave both my lower legs and underarms and I tidy down below.

I used to be more self-conscious of my body hair when seeing guys than I am now. Currently, I’m primarily seeing women. I worried more about shaving my entire legs, underarms, and down the front when seeing guys. When living with my only boyfriend last year, he asked me to shave my legs because it felt like he was in bed with a guy. I was offended. My hair is blonde and barely noticeable, but the feeling of it bugged him. He’s now an ex-boyfriend, BTW.

At this point, I’m completely attracted to women sexually and emotionally but I could do to feel more comfortable with my body. What does all this mean and what can I do? What is the opinion of natural female body hair in the Valley?

We’re pummeled with mass media and capitalist constructions of what makes us beautiful in terms of our body size, skin color, gender presentation, and — body hair! Not only do these messages directed towards women affect women, but they affect men too, as they affirm or shame their feelings of attraction to women (am I a freak if I’m into women who don’t shave?). Mass-marketed beauty standards affect people of all genders and sexual orientations by affirming or denying people’s masculinity, femininity, and partner choices — again, body hair choices.

A limited concept of “ideal masculine beauty” tends to involve muscles, chiseled jaw-lines, and unfortunately these days, the dreaded man-bun. “Ideal feminine beauty” contains a long list of qualifiers, one of which dictates what we “should” do with the natural hair that grows on our bodies including our legs, underarms, pubes, eyebrows, and heads.

Does this mean that we’re only sexy, gorgeous beings when we fulfill these standards? NO! Spend a few minutes contemplating what you find sexy in another person and you’ll have a prime example of the wide variety of what makes a person attractive. Multiply that by 7 billion(ish) people’s individual tastes when it comes to sex and relationships and you’ll see that the tiny box called Beauty Standards certainly can’t contain them all. Can we only exude femininity with smooth legs? Masculinity with man-buns? I hope not!…continue reading…