Something Borrowed, Something Lubed

Hey! I have a lube question and I thought who better to ask? My friend is going to be losing her virginity on her wedding night and is wondering what the best lube out there is — especially considering she hasn’t used any before, is unsure of allergies, and will be needing the extra help.

Thanks, lube guru. Virgins deserve good sex, too!

Congratulations to your friend on many fronts, LoH! What better wedding gift than to wet your bestie’s whistle for her big, long-anticipated wedding night?…continue reading

This week on Behind-the-Sexpertise: A little help from my friends



Feeling Menage-a-Trepidatious

About a year ago my girlfriend told me that she thinks she’s bi and that it was important for her to explore sex with women. So, I know at this point, as a dude, I’m supposed to go all crazy excited about a three-way, but I had a lot of reservations and asked for time to think about it. She brought it up again a couple months back, saying that it was selfish of me to deny her an opportunity to explore her sexuality because of my fears. Basically, I gave her a hall pass.

She decided that she wanted the experience to include me, so we started pursuing a three-way. We fooled around with a mutual friend for a bit and it was great for all parties, but it didn’t work out long-term. We aren’t totally sure how to proceed as far as pursuing other options. My girlfriend set up an OKCupid profile, but we’ve been together for over 10 years and so other than drunken, teenage hook-ups, I have no idea what we’re doing. While my girlfriend is really just looking for sex, I’d like someone that I feel comfortable also hanging out with.


Hopin’ 2 Open

My husband and I were married in May. We’ve been together for eight years. He’s leaving in April for a year-long residence out of state. I’d like to be able to have a “monogamous-ish” (thanks Dan Savage) type thing while he’s gone. How do I bring that up to him? I’ve tried in the past in a casual way, and I don’t think he’s okay with it. How do you start a real conversation about that? I’m totally okay with him doing the same while he’s away and I’d want a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. Any tips?

I applaud you for considering alternative relationship arrangements, for supporting your husband in making choices for himself even when they require him being away, and for writing in. You’ve shown a lot of bravery and openness to change in these actions, yet your question drips of very valid fear.

Opening your relationship whether it’s through a “monogamish” relationship, or “clopen” relationships, as I like to call them, polyamory or something else can be scary. But if you can’t be brave and honest with yourself and your husband, an open relationship will never work. Continued…


Tying to Get Kinky

My girlfriend and I are in college and we’ve done some like really, really basic BDSM: blindfolding, a little handcuffs, and some bondage stuff, but nothing serious. Now we want to do some tying down. What would you suggest?

Like a bad sex columnist, I just watched 50 Shades of Grey for the first time (and never read the book). Like a good sex columnist, I read the countless reviews and critiques of the material, in which many people panned 50 Shades as partner-abusive, non-consensual garbage — which it is. Continued…


Sweet (Sex-Positive) Sixteen

My eldest daughter is now 16. I’ve had to cover the sex talk basics as her mother (we’re divorced) is FAR more conservative (and shall we say repressed) than I. How do I, as a father, steer my daughter towards a more sex-positive outlook when it’s clear she isn’t getting the same feedback when she’s with her mother? Is there ever a time/approach where it’s appropriate to get her a vibrator? Do you just enlist a female friend for such duty?

Now wouldn’t it be nice if I could just tell parents that their teenagers will happily sit down for sex talks with them, fully absorb all of the information given, and then apply it rightly to their impending sexual explorations? (Because that’s what we did as teens, right?)

Unfortunately, the second something comes from a parent (even if you’re a cool, sex-positive parent and even if it’s an awesome vibrator) it’s just not that cool anymore. (Do kids even say “cool” anymore?) Continued…


Feeling Rough

Ladies, when it comes to bangin’ banging, if you do the crime, you gotta do the time.

Though this “time” can come in many forms, such as cramping, bruises, welts, and off-cycle vaginal bleeding, rarely will you get slapped with a life sentence. Sexual pleasure, much like alcohol, has many endorphin- and adrenaline-induced effects on our bodies which can simultaneously allow us to make abnormally hasty decisions and significantly increase our pain tolerance. This is a recipe for a great slap-happy time, but the aftertaste can also be more bitter than sweet when the orgasms are over. While yelling, “Harder!” may have seemed like a fantastic idea in the moment, it can be unnerving to feel the results the next day, especially if you were on the receiving end of such enthusiastic penetration. Continued…


Seeking Spunky, Not Clunky

I was wondering if you might be able to recommend a good vibrator to use during sex with my boyfriend. Something with power, but not too cumbersome?

I don’t make many assumptions in this job, but I get the vibe (hyuck) that you may be one of many women who discovered the clit-rocking power of the Hitachi Magic Wand “back-massager-turned,” as your predicament is a classic one: You want a vibe that packs a punch like the Hitachi, but unlike the Hitachi, isn’t the size of a prize, country-fair eggplant with a power cord. This way, you can use it with your sweetie without danger of an accidental black-eye or needing to push your bed up against the wall so you can plug that prehistoric sucker’s absurdly short cord into the socket. Continued…


#SILO: Dumped in the digital age

So, you just got dumped. If you have a cell phone, a laptop or any kind of social media presence, your life just got real hard. There’s always something there to remind you of your ex.

I recently read an article that depressingly informed me that “Facebook knows you’re single before you do” because of the frantic way in which new singles post to the social media platform, desperately reaching out to “connect.”

Nearly all of my friends and I found ourselves newly single this past fall. Properly addicted to social media as we all are, #SILO was born.

#SILO became our jaded single ladies rallying cry. A response to #YOLO (“You Only Live Once”), the overly peppy, popular hashtag and acronym used to celebrate living life to its fullest, i.e. “I just went skydiving! #YOLO.” #SILO, in contrast, stands for “Single and Lonely” and is used to celebrate all of all the things you can do now that you’re single and to share your indulgent self-care strategies. If you want to punch your happily-coupled friends in the face while they #YOLO all over the Internet with their love and date-night selfies, then #SILO is for you. Continued…


Halp! I’m Totes Jelly.

My ex-boyfriend of five years cheated on me the whole time we were together. My low self-esteem let him convince me he still loved me despite the cheating. By the end we had opened our relationship to outside sexual partners, but it was mostly him going out to get sex.

Now I’m in a triad, with two amazing men who’ve been together nine years [we’ll name them Peanut butter and Wonderbread] and dote on me in all the best ways. Before I met Peanut butter and Wonderbread I used to see Wonderbread around town with another man who he was very grabby with. He says they’re just friends. We ran into Mr. Grabby last night and I panicked. I stormed off, told Wonderbread I didn’t believe that he and Mr. Grabby are “just friends” and a spat ensued between the three of us. My jealousy in these kind of situations is inappropriate. Advice?

Sounds like you’ve got yourself quite a green, briny pickle called Jealousy on the side of this otherwise scrumptious sandwich you’ve built with Peanut butter and Wonderbread. Explore what the green-eyed monster is telling you, Jelly, instead of cramming it into a jar where it’ll surely ferment into resentment. Continued…


Getting Selfish in the Sack

We’re socialized to not ask for what we want. This applies to promotions, the best looking cookie in the cafe’s pastry case and, of course, sex. When we pointedly ask for what we want, we’re seen as selfish, greedy, finicky and maybe even a little mean. When women ask for what they want in bed they’re stamped with ye olde “slut” badge. When men ask, they’re viewed as non-masculinely picky: you have a penis for fuck’s sake how difficult can it really be to please? No wonder we’re not asking for what we want in the sack.

The assumption that we’re only good at The Sex if we know exactly what our partners want just by getting naked with them is totally absurd. Yet media everywhere (myself included) cash in on giving you tips to “give her what she wants” and “how to blow his mind”.

Well, here’s the simple answer to all of these supposed sexual mysteries: Ask.

This is the truth: if you ask for what you want and need, you are more likely to get it than if you don’t. Continued…