Dry-humping Better Than Sex

I’m an 18-year-old girl with a sex question. I don’t orgasm during sex with a guy, but I usually do orgasm when we’re dry-humping. Do you have any advice about how sex could be made better for me? I still want to have sex to pleasure my partner, but it’s boring for me. Help me get over this hump!

It sounds like your partner needs to learn where your clitoris is! You’re probably orgasming during dry-humping because your clitoris is getting rubbed and/or stimulated consistently by whatever surface you’re dry-grinding on. This isn’t surprising as direct, consistent clitoral stimulation is a requirement for well over 75 percent of women to achieve a clitoral climax. The Cliteracy Project by artist Sophia Wallace is a really fun and accessible way for both of you to start learning more about the clitoris.

The clitoris’s climactic fondness for direct and consistent stimulation explains the popularity of clitoral vibrators and is also sadly missing from solely penetrative penis-in-vagina sex as thrusting does little to stimulate your clitoris (located externally above the vaginal opening where the folds of the labia meet). So, your new joint mission is to squash your sexual boredom and experiment with new ways to get you that consistent clitoral stimulation you’re enjoying during dry-humping. Why is this your joint mission?…continue reading…


Vaginally High and Dry

At my last vaginal exam, the doctor could barely get her fingers inside and absolutely couldn’t insert the speculum. She said that I had vaginal atrophy. I’m in my late 50s and my doctor suggested hormone replacement therapy. I am interested in bio-identical hormones, but have been utterly unsuccessful in finding doctors who prescribe this and it doesn’t seem to be covered by insurance. What’s your suggestion for vaginal atrophy?

Before I get started, let’s note that I’m not a doctor. Furthermore, I’m doling out this advice from my 29-year-old ivory, self-moistening tower, where my vagina and I are sitting pretty, pretending that menopause will never happen to us, so I can only imagine your frustrations.

As I’ve already confessed to self-denial, the truth is time will eventually leave us all vaginally high-and-dry. Vaginal Atrophy (VA) causes chronic vaginal dryness, pain, and bleeding during intercourse, as well as vaginal itching and soreness during and after menopause due to declining levels of estrogen. VA affects 50-80 percent of post-menopausal folks…continue reading…


Help! My Orgasms Went on Holiday

I’m a 28-year-old female with a high sex drive. I’ve always found it easy to come with clitoral stimulation. When my partner and I have sex it’s not unusual for it to last over an hour. My guy loves cunnilingus almost as much as I love getting it. I often lose count of the times I orgasm.

But for the last few months I haven’t been able to come. None of my favorite things work. It feels nice, but there are no fireworks. I’ve had some instances where it’s been uncomfortable to have sex, but I’ve put that down to lack of my own lubricant. If I do come it’s so intense it almost doesn’t feel good because I’m too sensitive. It kind of feels like all of my orgasms have joined forces instead of being spread out, but not in a good way.

I’m a bit stressed about work and things between my partner and me are good, but I’m even having trouble orgasming when I use my vibrator, which is unheard of. My partner is getting insecure, thinking I’m not into it anymore. I’m getting frustrated because I am into it, but my body won’t cooperate.

I could give you some CUMbaya advice about how sex is about enjoying the journey rather than the climactic destination, and I do believe this, but Ugh! Losing your orgasm sucks. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are, in fact, quite good at enjoying the journey most times. But suddenly, you find yourselves on this neverending, pleasant, yet frustrating, road trip down a sexually scenic route to Nogasmland. I’ve felt these frustrations when my orgasms have decided to take a little vacation without me. The good news is — they always come home and so will yours.

There are three big components that inform our sexual experiences: our bodies, our brains, and our context. Our best orgasmic experiences happen when all three are working together…continue reading…


Can I Be DTF & Still Respect Myself?

What do you do when a DTR conversation doesn’t go your way? I’m a modern babe who’s Slutever Forever. I’m into my generation’s DTF hook-up culture, but I also want to respect my boundaries, my body, and my feelings. What do you do when you tell the guy you’ve been casually hooking up with that you actually want to date him and he’s like, “Cool, but I just want to park my dick in you for a while”? How can I respect and take care of myself and still be DTF?

Let’s first define some terms for those of us over 25:

DTR: Defining the Relationship. A talk casual hook-up partners eventually have in which they discuss how to define their relationship — for example, as “fuck buddies,” “dating,” etc.

Slutever Forever: A sex-positive term viewing “slutiness” as the free enjoyment of sex and sexual pleasure, a variation on “Whatever Forever” connoting a certain casual attitude.

DTF: Down to Fuck. Describing a temporary or longer-term state of seeking out, typically, casual sex with limited strings attached (see Slutever Forever).

I, too, appreciate this modern world where sex is readily available with a swipe on a dating app, where friends can celebrate casual, mutual orgasm with a sticky high-five, and all of our relational processes can be defined with texting-friendly abbreviations. But sometimes I fear that out with the stuffy, sexually stifling bathwater we’ve thrown the real, vulnerable, human-connection baby. Must intimacy, feelings, and attachments be pushed aside to make space to celebrate casual sex?…continue reading…


Getting Hitched: Wet for Her’s New Double-Ended Dildo

What's that you say, double-ended dildo? You liked our review time together? So did I...

What’s that you say, double-ended dildo? You liked our review time together? So did I…

The first time I tried to use a double-ended dildo was painful – both physically and socially. Seduced by its promises of sweet, sweet hands-free lovin’, my girlfriend and I jumped at the opportunity to ditch the straps and embark on a mutual, simultaneous pleasure endeavor. The dildo’s silicone was stiff and full of friction, the bulbous “wearer’s” end slipped out with every attempted thrust, and the sex toy quickly lost its hands-free appeal as we struggled to hold the thing still for long enough to get a good rhythm going.

Fast-forward five years later to present-day, as I excitedly unwrapped that day’s present – the Union double-ended dildo by sapphic-centric sex toy company Wet for Her. Just looking at the sleek box, I knew that my partner and I were in for an entirely different experience than I had bumbled through with my last dive into double-dipping.

First, the high-end, medical-grade silicone the toy is made of is silky, run-your-cheek-across-it smooth and responds positively to both water-based and silicone lube (that’s right – their grade of silicone is that good – it can be used with silicone lube). Extra perks of buying medical-grade silicone toys are that you can disinfect them easily with soap-and-water or you can even boil them for a few minutes for super-sanitary satisfaction (just take the vibrator out first)...continue reading…


Lost in Labialand

I recently started reading your sex column, and it’s really great! There are sooooo many questions I had floating around in my mind about sex, because they don’t really talk about lesbians that much (ahem, at all) in sex ed.

My problem is this: I recently started dating a girl who is sexually active and when the time comes to do The Do I have no idea how to make things enjoyable for her. I have my own vagina as a reference point, but everyone’s bodies are different so I don’t know if she’ll respond to similar things as I do.

I would just let her to take the lead, but I think she expects me to know what I’m doing because I tend to align more with the butch category. Do you have any tips on just getting it on with a girl in general? Like, what are some things partners in the past have responded well to? I dunno. Pretty much any advice on the subject would be appreciated.

Welcome to the fold(s)! Yep, traditional sex education does diddly squat in providing LGBTQ-inclusive information. But let’s be honest — most government-funded sex education programs aren’t doing a great job with the penis-in-vagina sex ed either. In fact, the Public Religion Research Institute found in a 2015 survey that four in 10 millennials reported that high school sex ed classes weren’t helpful to them in making decisions about sex and relationships at all. Throw in homophobia and limited views as to what kinds of sex “count,” and us LGBTQ folks are screwed when it comes to learning how to screw.

Luckily, you’ve got me, the Internet, and a thriving LGBTQ community to learn from. You’re right, while your own vagina is a great basic anatomical reference, all vaginas respond differently to stimulation; so you can’t make many assumptions. This is intimidating, but the good news is that this is true for everyone with all kinds of anatomy and sexual identities — everyone responds differently to sexual stimulation so in reality, nobody has any idea what they’re doing when they sleep with a new person…continue reading…


I’ve Got a High Sex Drive & HPV – Now What?

I’m a 26-year-old female with HPV and a high sex drive. Ever since my diagnosis I haven’t been able to have a lasting romantic or sexual relationship because I’m too scared to open up about this.

I’ve told my closest friends because I want them to know that they should take care of themselves, but when it comes to opening up to someone that I like, I get too self conscious and don’t let anything physical happen because I don’t want to risk it.

I’m a very affectionate person and I feel like I’m holding back on so much. I don’t want to end up pushing away all the love that I truly deserve just because I’m too scared to be honest. Truth is I do feel ashamed. How do I make peace with this?

Sexual shame does damage. It prevents many from getting sexual health care, from talking openly with our partners about sexual health, and promotes STI/STD transmission because rarely does Shame go anywhere without her bestie, Silence.

You’re not alone in your struggle with HPV (human papillomavirus). Half of all college-aged women contract HPV. HPV is so common, Free Me, that sexual healthcare providers have called it “a symptom of sexual activity itself” as 75 percent of sexually active people will experience an active HPV infection. You’re one of 20 million people with HPV right now, Free Me and, statistically speaking, your lovers may already be in the same boat with you…continue reading…


Freaked about Fellatio

My friend seriously freaked me out when she told me that I should always use condoms for oral sex when I’m not in a longterm, monogamous relationship. Have I been sleeping on this or is she being dramatic? What are the transmission rates of STDs through oral sex?

We take risks every day. We take risks when we drive a car, we take risks when we fall in love — I took a risk today when I waded across a deep swimming river with my dog in one arm and my precious smartphone in the other.

We assess for and manage both minor and major physical and emotional risks everyday, in many ways that are unique to us. And sex is no different. Sex is a risky activity, both physically (pregnancy! STDs!) and emotionally (heartbreak! jealousy!). However, sex’s risks are often highlighted in a pleasure-negative, slut-shamey way with lots of focus on STDs/STIs as being “dirty,” “slutty,” and “unforgiveable.”

Some STDs/STIs are fatal and serious. Others are just as common and curable as other non-sex-induced illnesses. We wouldn’t call someone a whore because she caught a cold from a doorknob. We wouldn’t yell, “What were you doing touching doorknobs anyway!?”

Just as “wash your hands” is suggested risk management for colds, “use a condom during non-monogamous oral” is a suggested risk-management tool for safer sex…continue reading…


Can I Ask My GF to Stop Using Her Vibrator?

With previous girlfriends it’s been easier over time to bring them to orgasm as I get to know their preferences and bodies, however my current girlfriend owns a Hitachi Magic Wand that she has been using for nine months.

It’s significantly more difficult now to bring her to orgasm with only fingers compared with a year ago. Has she lost clitoral sensitivity through using it? It’s now even at the point where the Hitachi isn’t enough stimulation and orgasms seem to be harder to reach.

Also, since getting the vibrator her attitude toward sex has been to lie down, use it, and have me do the rest. I’m all for being dominating sometimes, but sometimes you just want mutual participation in sex. Is it okay to ask her not to use it?

Your question rings of many other questions I’ve gotten in my years as The Neighborhood Sexpert: Can I get addicted to my vibrator? Will the ultra powerful vibrations of the Hitachi ruin me for other types of sex? Will my girlfriend’s vibrator replace me?

Usually when a dude scoffs at my suggestion that he get his girlfriend a vibrator (“Pssh! She doesn’t need that — she has me!”) I put on my best mock-surprise face and exclaim, “Wow! Your dick vibrates? That’s awesome!” And often a dude’s aversion to his girlfriend’s sex toy pisses me off. But yours, FSH, doesn’t! Sex toys add a wonderful variety to our sexual stimulation repertoire that might not be available to us given our anatomy: Dildos offer us customizable sizes and shapes, vibrators allow us the concentrated clitoral stimulation necessary to reach orgasm, etc.

When used in a way that suits both partners, sex toys enhance sexual interaction, not detract from it…continue reading…


Help! My Small Penis Doesn’t Measure Up.

Does penis size matter? I’m a 20-year-old male and a tall guy who gyms a lot and has fairly good genetics … all but in the penis department. I’m 6 feet tall and I literally have a 4-incher.

I’ve found that a lot of girls are size queens and the girls I have been with have left as soon as they saw it or stayed for pity sex, which kinda left me finishing prematurely, and embarrassing myself to the point where I sorta teared up. I’ve had at least one time that I slept with a girl that was comforting (an old school friend), but we haven’t really spoken since.

So I find myself, a fairly attractive guy with one dilemma and I just don’t know what to do next. I really don’t know if I can reach the G-Spot and pleasure a woman. How do I accept that I have a small penis?

Social standards surrounding sex — like those we learn from porn, peers, and partners — are great at setting us up to feel not good enough. When it comes to sex we’re often told that we’re not wet enough, not busty enough, not thin enough, not orgasmic enough and — in your case — not big enough.

And then we’re doubly sexually duped as we’re also socially restricted to the kinds of sex that are deemed “normal” or acceptable — which is usually heterosexual, (big) penis-in- (tight) vagina missionary sex. These standards set everyone up to fail in the fucking department as it takes away our freedom to explore other avenues of sexual pleasure that work for us, our partners, and our unique sexual desires, abilities, and identities. These standards have kept the clitoris a mystery, invalidated LGBTQ sex, and, in your case, SMU, has made you feel really shitty about the DNA you were handed as a fetus…continue reading…

For those interested in the Vixen Ride-On mentioned in the column, you can find a review here.

To go with your Ride-On, you might went to check out the SpareParts Deuce Harness designed for men. Find Charlie Glickman’s Review of the Deuce here.